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« And statistics prove it!Stick to what you know, PLEASE! »

His past, her past!

  • By: Qwaider

  • On:Monday, April 23, 2007 6:32:00 PM
  • In:Thoughts
  • Viewed: (4492) times

    • Currently 4.4/5 Stars.
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    Rated 4.4/5 stars (123 votes cast)

    If you've been living on this planet for more than 16 years, there's a big chance that you've met people you've considered friends, people that you considered best friends, and people that you considered lovers. Then the inevitable happened, you broke up, you moved on and you met someone new. There's a more than likely chance that this scenario has repeated itself several times in the past. Then came "The One", and you go to a point where you want to share more than the present and the future, but also the past, would you?

    Alright, We all know how double faced our society could be regarding many matters, but this is one case where it's extremely clear. It shows the difference in reaction or expectation from the society towards the very same thing. The issue of the "Ex(es)"

    While males are encouraged to go out, experiment. Women are discouraged and frowned upon when it comes to this matter. Nothing less that complete purity would do in her case.

    This is one issue that faces many parents, maintaining their bias and not only that, but also justify it to the growing protest from females. With results that could be categorized as catastrophic most of the time.

    Women are growing up with increased resentment to their male counterparts, not as a direct result of their actions but rather because they've been treated differently while growing up. As these conflicting feelings start to precipitate, future relationships start to suffer even more, as these frustrations manifest themselves in many forms. The end result, males pay the price of their little privileges earlier in life, while women continue to suffer and in most continue to pass on the ill behavior to the next generation.

    An interesting point in a relationship is crossed when the two decide to share their past with each other, the male, like a peacock would inflate his image with his -numerous- encounters. Why wouldn't he? He's got the support of the entire society polishing his feathers and making him shine even brighter with all these accolades under his belt.

    While the female seem to be silent with "shame", or at least this is what the society has taught her to feel regarding her previous "failures". I find this specific position common even with ladies in the west. As having multiple previous affairs is also not very welcome.

    Even worse, the male starts feeling betrayed and ashamed of what has happened. As if she knew, or planned it all along. Or that he existed in the first place!

    This whole approach lead to the ongoing approach to this issue, "what you don't know, won't hurt you". Even if that means lying and hiding the truth. Nevertheless, it's still being considered an acceptable practice to keep problems at bay. Keep the woman safe, keep the man happy, and the society satisfied.

    I think, if two people care about each other, they should focus and love the person they're with because of their past, not despite it. They wouldn't have been the same person had they taken a different path in life, and chances are they probably wouldn't have appealed to each other.

    The past is just the past, there is nothing that is going to change that. So people, should keep it just as a memory, while focusing on the future and what matters the most..... each other!

    Other Memories Documented on April 23
    « And statistics prove it!Stick to what you know, PLEASE! »

    Memories....

    Well,
    Even sometimes memories can be hurtful, so I prefer to erase them completely, eventhough this seems impossible but till now I suceeded in doing so, some times I have flash backs but I convince myself to look at them just like bad dreams..The past is a process of learning, if you don't learn from your past then you will always fail..
    I beg to differ here, the past for lots of men is not just the past. Especially if his g/f, fiance, or wife's (ex)s are around, let's say, some live in the same neighborhood, and would be present in her life for that. So, i dont not think that her man will take it easily knowing that his woman had a relationship with a man he sees frequently. what do you think men?
    • #3
    • Faten
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 4/23/2007 7:19:27 PM
    From personal experience, Talking about this stuff only complicates issues... Just bury it .. and let it go
    • #4
    • sam
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 4/23/2007 7:39:16 PM
    somethings are best left untold....it would cause needless misery on both parts. of course this does not mean that you lie and say you had no previous relationships...just do not share too much details and better not mention any names if it can be helped. and that goes for both sides....i really could careless who hubby dated before i met him...
    Yead I'd go with letting sleeping dogs lie, no use in digging up the past, in most cases it only leads to unpleasant consequences
    "what you don't know, won't hurt you"
    I hate that saying.. hate it, HATE IT … I’d rather be hurt in that case… one thing is for sure.. this world is waaaaaaay smaller than we think,  I’d rather be honest period.. even if it means losing someone I love.
    That’s me, I can’t change it.. and whatever it is that happened, it’s past, history, if  we think about it, those people became what they are because of their past, people learn from those relationships. That’s what makes a person, messing up; there is nothing wrong with that, that’s how people learn.
    Personally I know everything about her and I'm ok about it. The problem is a trust problem in the first degree, do you trust her/him or not? (There is also a pride problem in case of arab males of course.) But again this pride comes around he trust thing again.

    When you trust her, just don't marry her, same to women. Or else you will live in the hell of jealousy without any sufficient gain.
    hmmm I vote for burying it.

    How does telling all help or benefit the relationship? And if it happens and the wife or husband heard about “things” and is bothering them then talk about it.
    • #9
    • Isam
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 4/24/2007 8:47:41 AM
    it depends actually !!!

    but as i see it the rules apply to men and women ...

    if the ex still exists in the daily life ... the partner must know ... it is akward i've seen it ... but if all of them are good inside ... it wont cause any problems and maybe the ex and the partner will end out as friends ... MAYBE !!!

    if  the ex is outside your life ... better not say anything unless ur asked ... dont lie ... but dont mention it without a good reason ...

    the worst thing is when the ex u still have an old flame for is around (or s/he came back) ... man this is very bad ... if u talk abt it to the partner s/he will know something inside u is still there for him/her ... if u dont say u will feel like lying and decieving ur partner ... BAD BAD BAD ...

    i think it's bad asking abt dating history ... ya3ne come on it's abvious it didnt work out ... or u two wouldnt be here !!! whats done is done ...
    • #10
    • Faten
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 4/24/2007 9:47:17 AM
    if you can't share "THE" past with the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with you better think twice. if they're gonna act like such typical insecure idiots then you're better off alone :)

    actually, i think it all depends on one's personal attitude towards his/her own past...if they're still pining over long lost loves or still have unresolved issues then that's a problem, if it's all just another memory then it shouldn't bother anyone...and if you love someone and they love you and you think you're compatible in ever way that should be all that counts, not some ghosts from the past that will never impact your future life together.
    • #11
    • Nour J
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 4/24/2007 3:50:41 PM
    i hate it when someone asks "sa7abti abel? or have you been in a relationship before"
    y do they care? if i want to talk about the past i will, if not, its up to me.. lovers always say "my life started when i met you" if its true then y ask about the past?.. the past is done and over.. I'm not saying you need to hide it or be ashamed of it, learn from it and move on..
    And this goes for both males and females.. i really dont need to know about a gut's previous relationships... I dont like my Ex(s) talking about me therefore i dont like you talking about other women..
    Mohannad,
    Can we really selectively erase memories?

    Secratea
    That's true, many have a very colorful past, and it's not a matter of IF it's going to come back and haunt you, it's just the matter of when. So maybe one should be prepared?

    Faten#1
    I need a way to distinguish between You and the other Faten!! I'm getting confused.
    Do you think your skeletons are safe buried?

    Sam
    I like your approach, you want to know "The highlights" but not the itty gritty little sticky details! Fair enough.

    Who-sane
    So  you think not knowing the past is not going to lead to unpleasant consequences? hmmm I kind-of disagree and think it would.

    Maioush
    So you're like one of the people who wants to know everything, how it happened, when it happened, how many times, with how many people, in what situation ...etc ..etc ..etc
    I think you might be disappointed with the answers!

    IRC President
    For your first paragraph, you're either very lucky (and I congratulate you) or very naive (sorry) No one can know everything about someone else. But once we get that satisfaction that we know enough, or what we want to know .. that does give us a lot of relief
    Trust is another issue altogether.. It's not dependant on past experiences, or love. But it's certainly related

    7aki Fadi
    Sounds like you have a lot of skeletons in your closet :) (Just kidding) actually most people who are in favor of burying the past aren't the ones who have anything to hide. It's the people who champion truth and open communications that don't "really" share their past :)

    Isam
    Yes, the rules apply to both men and women.
    The Ex and the current end up as friends!? I don't know which soap opera you've been watching, but I find that unlikely

    So we don't mention it until someone busts us :) Good strategy! Good luck with that!
    The scary part about it, is that it might have not worked out because of a good reason against you. So the other party left you...

    Faten #2,
    You have to find a way to help me distinguish between you and Faten #1
    Can I call you Hairy Faten?
    I like the defiant tone, I guess you've never been head-over-heels, or truly-madly-deeply, or love-or-death situation before. You see. Some people when they love, they're gone... Missing in action, they're living for their love and wouldn't want to jeoprodize it for anything! Its FINALLY MR Right with the big check-book ... she can't lose him now!! Or he's prince charming, she doesn't wanna go back to kissing frogs!! :)

    Past relationships can be done and over, with MANY strings attached, but for all practical purposes be considered dead. While others who have no strings attached whatsoever might still be lurking inside.. who knows

    Nour J
    I agree that someone shouldn't pry on your privacy like that. Unless they're in a position to maybe want to know so that they can share some of the past with you.
    And yes, it should always be like that. Life "STARTED" the day their eyes saw each other...
    Qwaider ya Qwaider...

    I’m not saying I want to know every thing.. all what I said that people should accept my honesty, what I said that “I” would rather be honest period, if people don’t want to be honest with me, it’s their choice, but all what I’m saying we should accept those people no matter what their past, it’s PAST, we weren’t apart of their life in that time, and they weren’t apart of ours… it’s not like we were cheating on them, or they were cheating on us!!! It’s their past, and as I said before, people become what they are from life, falling down and messing up is what makes us what we are, I don’t want to know if they don’t want to share it, but I expect them to respect my honesty at least…
    Qwaider: I said it WILL lead to unpleasant consequences, so it's best to "let sleeping dogs lie"
    It's a two way highway.
    Letting them know... has consequences
    Not letting them know, has consequences as well..

    So what shall it be? That's a personal choice
    • #16
    • Faten
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 4/25/2007 8:42:32 AM
    loool, hairy faten! makes me feel like a female ape scratching her head cluelessly...plz call me faten.h if you may.

    now, regardless of what background i am coming from...it is called a past for a reason, and if sharing it is an evil well it's the lesser of two evils as the saying goes.

    obviously one can only speak for him/herself...so in my case, i don't think i'll ever say "i love u" to someone if i don't truly feel it...so if i said it and the idiot is still worrying about my past then I have to be the one seeing the red light and putting a stop to the relationship not the other way around, you know what i mean?

    we are all what we are because of our past experiences and we should be proud not hide it in shame...we should be proud of the love we once gave and be thankful to the people who helped shaping our characters...lol my ex would find this hilarious to read ...bas jad, people, kabbrouha btekbar o zaghrouha btezghar....when we love others they don't become ours, their past was not an evil plan to ruin our futures...their past is what it is PAST as long as they have no unresolved issues then that's great...we just love the ones we're with, take the whole package, and if somewhere along the way my future husband realizes there is a string attached that he was previously unaware of i'd be the first one to help him get it over with...as long as there's love and respect and no lies...and no high expectations of a romeo and julliet perfect love then all should be ok :) o i expect the same o if we go through this it'll make the relationship a lot more stronger...it's nice when your spouse is a best friend that u can confide in...it's the magical ingredient to a power couple. don't you think?

    i'll probably have a giant rock thrown at me because of my theories and get my first reality bite soon, but...i don't think i'll compromise...mr right would be very wrong if he can't accept who i've been, what i am, and who i aim to be. i'd rather be a nun than take one i'm gonna lie to....because that makes it ok for him to lie to me...
    You too can have your Memories Documented

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