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« يوم زفت! و بعدين؟Qwaiderizations »

جدار الصمت

  • By: Qwaider

  • On:Saturday, January 13, 2007 2:03:56 PM
  • In:Thoughts
  • Viewed: (7237) times

    • Currently 4.5/5 Stars.
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    Rated 4.5/5 stars (198 votes cast)

     خرجت انا و صديق مقرب لي في رحلة الآلام من جديد. كل يشكي ما ألمًّ  به من غدر الزمان و جفاء الأحباب

     اوصلتنا اقدامنا الى مكان كريه.. موبوء بشباب العرب في الغربة.. تسكّع .. شرب .. فتيات .. شباب متزوجون يحصلون على مساجات من صديقاتهم من اصول شرق اوربية.. اصوات صاخبة .. عرب القاع في كل مكان..

    ادركنا بعد لحظات .. أن الكان لا يصلح لنا.. افرغت مافي فنجاني من قهوة ملتهبة في حلقي.. و اندفعنا خارجين.. بدون عودة..

    افرغ صديقي مافي جعبته من احزان... فكل ما يفعله من اجل بيته و زوجته و اطفاله، يقابل بالجفاء و عدم التقدير. فهو على حد تعبيره موظّف في منزله، لا اكثر..

    اغضبت دراسته زوجته، و اشعلت في قلبها الغيرة من اي شيء و كل شيء يأخذه منها. كلما حاول التقدم شبرا في حياته جرته ميلا الى الوراء. و ان لم يعجبه "بلاش". فالظاهر ان بعض النساء عندها قدرة على جعل الرجل يحس انه غير مرغوب به، و انها على اتم الاستعداد للإستغناء عنه

    تدفع هذه المشاعر الرجل لأن يفضّل الموت على الحياة، و لولى اولاده احبابه لما تردد للحظة في القبول بالعرض المغري. بعد اسبوعين من تشييدها جدار صمت حارق. لا كلام و لا سلام و لا اكتراث و لا مودة و رحمة

    ماذا انت فاعل الآن؟؟
    .... لا شيء ... سأعود الى المنزل! اعطني سيجارة!

    لكنك اقلعت عن التدخين!!
    ... نعم ... من خمسة شهور، لكن لا فائدة ... اعطني سيجارة

    وماذا بعد؟
    ؟ ... لا شيء .. سأعود الى المنزل .. امارس الانتحار الأجتماعي و النفسي كعادتي

    و ماذا حدث للحب العاصف؟ و سنوات الحب و الصبر و التضحية الطويلة؟؟
    ... شرخها جدار الصمت .. فكل ما فعلت .. و افعل .. لا قيمة له، مهما فعلت ... انا مقصّر .. مهما حاولت .. النتيجة ذاتها .. لا مبالاة .. و لا اعتراف... و لا اكتراث... و لا تقدير.. بل العكس تماما ..

    الله يكون في عونك...
    سامر...
    نعم؟
    ايّاك ان تتزوج ... الا بفتاة تكون مقتنع بها تماما ... و بينكم توافق و تلاؤم و تناغم..

    صديقي...
    نعم؟
    "الفرس، مهما كانت اصيلة، عليك لجامها... و إلاّ ... رمتك"
    لا تتنازل كثيرا فسرعان ما ستنفذ من التنازلات ..

    ياللا... على البيت...

    Other Memories Documented on January 13
    « يوم زفت! و بعدين؟Qwaiderizations »

    Memories....

    well ..... no comment ....
    • #2
    • Dima
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/13/2007 2:20:25 PM
    Well this is truly sad, but very realistic. A lot of people picture mariage to be a perfect fairy tale and later get schocked by reality. Communication is the only key to success. There's a good movie that shows your friend's case, it's called: The Last Kiss.
    • #3
    • Nimer
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/13/2007 4:17:23 PM
    - divorce is a very sensible course of action, and the kids are better off with parents divorced than with parents fighting over their problems in front of the children. If a couple cannot resolve their issues, and cannot overcome their problems to create a healthy environment for themselves, and their children, then they should divorce. Irrespective of what social media retorts, it's an obligation for their individual and children's best interest.

    Life does go on.
    Life for arab housewives in the US is pretty hard, especially in places with no big arab community. I can understand why his wife is so bored without knowing why. The best solution might be a trip to back-home, wherever is that, where she can reunite with her family & friends for 3-6 weeks. The other option is to create a life for her in the US - like a taking a course - from language to painting to a professional certificate, getting a volunteer job, or even a paid part-time job.
    Sitting at home with kids in a foreign country for months at a time is guaranteed to put you in depression.
    Inshallah I hope you both guys will feel better.

    حياك الله اخي

    فعلا هناك سيدات العيش معهن نار و الحياة معهن تصبح اشبه بالكابوس و خصوصا ان كان الزواج تم بعد قصة حب فالرجل لا يستطيع فراق زوجته ذات السلوك الغير اللائق لسبب من الاسباب و يعيش في تعاسة.
    و حو لنا امثلة متعددة
    نجا الله اخوتني منهم و هداهن الله

    لكن اخي كما قال لك صديقك في اخر جملة و هي خلاصة تجربته
    "الفرس، مهما كانت اصيلة، عليك لجامها... و إلاّ ... رمتك"
    لا تتنازل كثيرا فسرعان ما ستنفذ من التنازلات ..

    و هذا صحيح جدا
    الامور كلها تدور في فلك التربية التربية الصحيحة تفرز اشخاص اسوياء و لديهم اخلاق.

    أطيب المنى

    نزهة .. الجملة انا قلتها لصديقي و هي خلاصة تجربتي انا
    عرابي، هلا بيك يا رفيق  :) اشتقنالك... احببت ان اؤكد لك ان الموضيع اعمق مما وصفت، صحيح .. "قد" تساعد زيارة .. و قلا لا تساعد ابدا.. بل قد تعمّق الشرخ.. بل قد تفسح المجال لدخول لعيبة جدد الى ارض الملعب. وجود عمل، و هوايات عند المرأة و ما الى ذلك ايضا يساعد.. لكنه قد لا يكفي... و اقول هذا طبعا و عندي امثلة كثير.. فكما قالوا قديما الحب وحده لا يكفي. و عندما يستقر النزق و عدم الرضا و الفوقية و الأنانية عند الزوجة... انسى... و اعتقد وبكل صراحة بنظريتي:"ان وجعك ضرسك.. يا بتحشية .. يا بالزبالة بترميه"
    نمر... العملية مش بالبساطة اللي الكثيرين بيتوقعوها... في بيت، اولاد .. تبعيّات... كم من رجل في هذا العالم ضحى بكل شيء... ليبقى هيكل البيت منتصبا...من اجل ابناءه.. من اجل زوجته و ان لم تعي.. يعمل الرجل كالحمار و يتحمل كل الأذى و المهانة و قصر العمر .. حتي يوفر الحياة الكريمة.. فهل من تقدير؟؟  بعض قليلي التجربة و الوعي الاجتماعي و الخبرة يرون ان المرأة دائما المضروبة، المهدورة الكرامة، المضحيّة .. في حين ان تضحية الرجل ... أي رجل.. قد تفوق تضحية كل النساء.. لكن سأقول.. التضحيات متساوية ..
    ديما... بكل تأكيد... كلامك صحيح و اتفق معك 100%. فالزواج بالفعل اكثر مما يتوقع الجميع
    سمسم... حسنا ..  :)و لا رد لك .. لكن قد يكون "لا تعليقك" اعمق بكثير مما يتوقع الناس

    • #7
    • Johny Abu Walker
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/13/2007 8:45:22 PM
    Very sad....

    ...pssssttt...can you pass the name of the place ;)

    (kidding)
    this is really sad,hala2 e7na ma bne3raf sho elli sar beanhom bs eza el madam elli 7akeat 3anha jad za3laneh mshan joozha bedros fa hadi mseebeh, bs as3ab shi 3ala el bani adam enno el makan elli el mafrood ykoon merta7 fi ye2leb nakad.
    ya3ni el beni adam fena ba3d kol el araf elli bseer ma3ah bara el beat el mafoor yrawe7 3ala beatoh mshan yerta7, yensa hmoom o mshakel edenya elli barra (hala2 an ma 3am ba2ool kalam aflam bs ya3ni eshi o menno).
    el zawaj mawadeh o ra7meh o e7teram motabadal, 7atta law sar 5elaf o kol beat beseer fi 5elaf, bs taree2et el ta3amol m3 el mawdoo3 3omorha ma betkoon heak. el mafrood el zalameh fi beato elo e7teramo (o ana ma ba7ki yseer zai seed sayed bs el mafrood y7es b ahameyto fi beatoo) l2nno walahi ay zooj fi el ednya t2adr o marto 3amalto mnee7 ana met2akdeh ella ysheelha 3ala kfoof el ra7a o 3omro ma ra7a (o redaki la terdi)o 3omro ma ra7 yheeneha o wala yezlemha.
    Interesting post, complex dilema. As you point out, we do not have all the facts, but I do agree with arrabi in that depression, loneliness and living in a foreign country may very well be contributing factors to the wife's misery. She may be feeling isolated from her husband, and when he takes steps to further study she gets scared as she feels this will take him away from her even more, so 'forbids' it.

    It is very hard to sit down and talk with a loved one, and outline what it is that they are doing that makes you upset, this may hold them back from discussing their problems leading to the creation of the wall of silence.

    Does she have friends there? Sometimes time apart having fun may lift symtoms of sadness and help in tackling this wall. Her husband could offer to look after the kids for a day/evening while she goes out with people she knows? or visits them? Then build on that.

    I know it is generic, but they have to talk this out, avoiding conforntational terminology or accusations.

    It's either that, divorce or a lifetime of resentment.
    I was reading sympathetically till the part about the horse! Didn't like that one bit.
    ليلى و ميّوش، اعتقد انه ما في حل الا التفاهم، اما بالنسبة للحلول المطروحة (تطلع لحالها و يجلس مع الاولاد، حاول ايضا ان يشجعها على الدراسة.. و عندها صديقات .. الخ ). .حاول كل شيء ممكن تتخيلوه. لكن نفس روح النزق وعدم الرضى لا تبرحها. ممكن في يوم من الايام اي شخص في الدنيا انه يصدق انه فعلا .. و الله مرّات في نساء بيكفروا؟.. و ممكن يسببوا الأنتحار!! و اي مصيبة اخرى

    امل مع احترامي، هل عندك شك للحظة ان ما ذكرته هو حقيقة كونية؟ هل هناك امل لسفينة بدون كابتن؟ احيانا علينا ان نقسى في تصرفاتنا حتى تمشي الحياة
    • #13
    • z3tr
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/14/2007 8:55:07 AM
    Some good advice on choosing a life partner for marriage. I guess I should keep that in mind if soon I should be searching for a wife. :)

    Poor guy, I would take his advice though.
    regarding the first part..is this realy the arab guys' status there?? should this idea come to our minds every time we talk about someone who had lived a part of his life there??

    about your friend...we don't know the wife's reasons and arguments..no one can judge her..
    3njd don't know what to say!
    some times lama n7awel nsahel 7ayat 3'erna befham enna 3m netnazallo... ma befham eno bne3mel hek bmazajna mshan ne7na ma ben7ub n3a2ed el 7ayah..
    And when one life partnerhas a limited mind life becomes hell!
    No more words to add!
    Z3tr
    There's always advices and hidden messages in every story, only wise people look at other's and learn from them
    Tamara
    Absolutely
    Manal
    Yes, that's -sadly- the status of the Arab guys in the west. Many are "Lost" which is a good way to describe them. Drugs, Substance abuse, domestic violence and many other social diseases
    Naryat
    That's true, many people misinterpret "compromise" as weakness... It's sad
    hmmm, maybe try sneaking valium or prozac into her tea?

    Allah 2ikoon bi3oonhom.
    Qwaider,

    That's how every dictator justifies his brutality. If this is what marriage is supposed to be, to the hell with it.  What's the point of a ship the people on it are so miserable they want to throw themselves overboard? Let the ship sink a7san.
    Amal, If you pay close attention. I didn't say "Women are like horses" I said that in general. But people, especially women, think it's specific to them.
    It might be directed towards, the situation, the marriage, the relationship... right?

    Laila, maybe :)
    I wonder why women think that statement means them! But I'm glad to know you didn't mean it that way and that I misread you. goodnight.
    Q, I read this story a couple of times and i don't like it. First point: I sympathize with your friend but I still feel that there is something unsettling about his situation because there is no mention of him trying to get her out of the feelings of boredom. It seems that she doesn't have a job so it is normal for her to feel trashed while he is progressing in school.I agree with Arrabi that she better get herself busy with something. Second: though you say that women are not targeted in the proverb you mention at the end of the story, the way you reach to that resolution just points us to think you are talking about "women". He is telling you to never marry a girl unless there is harmony and understanding (though it seems that that is what he had with his wife before marriage.. "sanawat el7ub wal sabir wal tad7iyeh eltaweelah", and then you say that phrase. You guys are obviously talking about a girl here, not about marriage itself, nor about the situation. the phrase is directed to a being, and absolutely it is not the horse you are talking about..
    My friend tried to:
    Teach her to paint,
    Do pottery
    Learn crochet(he became a master, and teaches others)
    learn to make soap
    learn to play the piano
    bought books
    cruises, vacations, getaways ... you name it
    Do some voluntary work
    Go to grad school

    He failed to have her pick interest in any of these

    Now, regarding what I said, although it's multi meaning and I really picked it specifically like that, my personal position on that, if you must know is that the man is the king of that castle. He's the one responsible at the end of the day AND he's the breadwinner. That puts him in the position of "head of a household".
    Women may choose to disagree with me on that, but that's fine by me. I'm not changing my mind for that, nor am I looking to marry another man.
    Why do I feel that you are still in the bad mood of that "youm zift", the one you mentioned in the previous post?
    Anyways, if your friend made countless efforts as you say, and yet she was never satisfied, she is weird! And because she is weird, it is not a wonder that she is carrying it all out on him!
    About your last statement, enta 7ur. However, now to take it back to the story you are talking about, and after all the evidence of her husband trying to get her busy and satisfied with something in her life( pottery, Grad school,piano, etc..) , and she insisted on making his life hell, she doesn't only deserve lajim!
    Regarding your friend, he seems to be an angel from the skies, so if he divorces her, I wll agree on marrying him, shart enno he offers me all what he offered her..looool. I will also take care of the children if he keeps them :D
    LOL ... I should have known that it's a marriage proposal ;)
    Trust me, no one is an angel here, but many do try, and very hard. But as you have noticed, some people are just never satisfied
    hmmm, i remembered a friend of mine... the story is sort of the same...
    the point is, u've only heard his point of view, but u didn't hear HER point of view... so before u judge her, i guess u should hear her side of the story too...
    i donno if ur friend works or not, but if he's still studying, and his parents r sending them money, then this might be the problem... simply coz this gives his family the right to interfere, and no lady likes that! her house is her kingdom... not his mom's ;) another point is, after being married for more than a couple of years, and specially after having kids, a wife wants to feel secured, and to know that they have saved enough for their kids education, and for their future when they grow old... (btw, women tend to compare their lives with others,,, if her/his sister for example r living in a better way, or if her friend's husband treats his wife in a nicer way, then comes the Q, why???)
    ur friend has tried a lot, but did he ever try to talk to her and aske her what's wrong? why is she acting this way??? (he has to ask in the right time!)... he has been trying to involve her with so many activities, but didn't succeed, did he ever wake up 1 morning, and decide going somewhere together, a trip or smth (just the family, no friends or any1 else)... or did he ever ask her "what would u like to do this weekend?"
    1 last thing... when a lady says yes for some1, it's coz she saw smth in him, she liked smth about him, if he can show her that side of him again, if he can make her feel the same way she did about him during their engagement, then i guess he wins :)
    Rain Drop, My friend works, he's a big manager for a large company. He's more than financially secure.
    Hi family lives 8000 miles away, and he doesn't allow them to interfere with anything
    They've been married for 7 years, and have 2 kids
    Women tend to compare (A negative thing about women) so not going to comment about that.
    He tried to talk to her, all the time, but when someone is not talking back to you, it's really hard to know why.
    Yes, he tried to take her somewhere, just the two, just the family... yada yada ... Anything you can and can't think of he tried
    He loved her for 8 years before they got married!

    I am having a problem with everyone trying to give women (ALWAYS) an excuse. If it was the other way around would anyone care to give the guy an excuse!!!? Why don't we understand that MEN are victims TOO!?
    I realized that he is a victim and that is why I offered to snatch him out of his misery.. remember the marriage proposal in the previous comment??..lol (just feel like joking). No Q, we are not trying to give women excuses, but only trying to understand the details fully cuz it might say something about both the husband and wife. However, I believe they can work it out, but it might need somebody's interference. I know it is not good to allow people to interfer in a husband/wife relationship, but in this couple's case, interference from a wise person might help to open their eyes on small details that might be causing some of the problems between them. Good luck for them both!
    Come on ...secretly, just between the two of us, didn't you try to find every possible way to find an excuse for her? yalla ... say the truth.
    Q, wallahi ennik da7aktnii. Look, I did look for excuses for both, and basically when you try to look for excuses, it isn't that you are siding with one against the other. You just try to find exuses in which they can be used for reconciliation between the two :). A word to say, it is only one life they are living, and sombody should open their eyes to that! they should try to make the best out of it.
    am not saying that it's always the man's fault, coz i know how rude, horrible, mean, and greedy some girls can be... the truth is, at some point, all girls can turn into monsters :D (all u have to do is find the red button that turns her on, and switch it on, but u have to be a real master in order to be able to switch it off again!)

    if they have been in love for 8 years (8+7=15 years of love), and married for 7 years, then smth must have gone wrong, the question is, why did she change in the 1st place??? (what is it that he did, or that she "thinks" he did, and made her act this way?)

    if he keeps on nagging on her to tell him what's going on, she might get angry, start yelling, slam a door in his face or smth, but in the end, am 1000% sure that he's gonna get the answer... (although i have a feeling he knows what's wrong... coz we usually don't totally stop talking to some1 unless we're sure he knows why :)
    Alright, Rain Drop and Secratea. If you have any suggestions to how to make this better, please let me know. But please believe me when I say, the guy is not at fault. Just this once, trust me!
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