Take people for granted.... Take 2

By: Qwaider

On:Monday, September 11, 2006 7:34:51 PM
In:Thoughts
Viewed: (6190) times

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I started writing a response to the comments .... ended up with an article .... so here it goes

First, answering Khalidah...

I do see some great point you have there. and looking at it from more angles, I have to say that I'm sorry, but I'm not in agreement with you, First, you aimlessly(purposefully?) changed the topic to taking care of things. It's not only about showing appreciation. It's not about taking care of things
If a person needs to contiguously be reminded of our love, OR they'll feel neglected. That person is not worth our love, and is such a high maintenance relationship.

Additionally, taking people for granted is what relationships are all about, the peace of mind and comfort that comes from knowing, they're that person out there who will, against all odds break your fall.

Answering everyone else..

Again, this is not about showing appreciation. It's not about roses or diamonds (although it's always expected the he will bring the roses otherwise, he's taking your for granted! God...)
Being taking for granted in the classical meaning of the word is actually a lovers best dream, sacrificing their own for their loved ones....
By the way, this never existed before the new, "what have you done for me lately" culture came to exist. It's this very culture that promotes more and more shameless selfishness on the part of the female (probably as retaliation for centuries of oppression in the west, not necessarily shared or appreciated by the rest of the world

If you can take no one for granted, then excuse me, you never knew what love is, if you can't enjoy the piece of mind of knowing someone is going to be there, then it's such a sad, lonely experience life is, because, you're only living to make sure people are showing their appreciation all the time. Such a silly thing quite frankly

Taking a person for granted is not really the same as [not] showing appreciation, these are two different things, but somehow ended up to be the same thing.

I guess we just turned out to be a bunch of brain washed Hollywood audience after all

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« Take people for granted

What were you doing on 9/11? »

Memories....

#1
Khalidah
Said
On: 9/11/2006 7:58:55 PM

May you end up with someone who takes you for granted Qwaider ... then you can come back and tell us how good it feels :)

#2
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/11/2006 8:02:43 PM

Thanks for the lovely wishes :). I would be honored to have someone who would end up understanding that the amount of love I have for them is unrelated to their show of appreciation. And Give them the peace of mind that they're SAFE in my arms and life... No matter what happens
And by the way, I'm a guy, we get taken for granted anyway ;-)

Ya hala b2a7la khokha

#3
Hatem Abunimeh
Said
On: 9/11/2006 8:16:21 PM

There are out there recognizable rules of engagements for anything and everything that governs the general populace social contract, whether you take the person for granted as you suggest or whether you must manifest all kinds of affections as Khalidah suggests, you can never veer away or absolve yourself from adhering to the social rules of engagements. If you are suggesting that it is okay to be complacent all the time then you are advocating another pitfall, if you are suggesting living in a state of mediocrity all the time then you are once again missing the point. The only way you can take people for granted is when you already have a set of rules that you are mutually going to follow with whomever you are going to take the so called "for granted". By contrast, if you are going to take any one or anything for granted without having prior understanding regarding the subject matter, I guarantee you that it will result in a dispute or even in a total miserable failure.

#4
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/11/2006 8:26:45 PM

Hatem, I'm not sure I folly got you, (excuse me) but I think you're point is not very clear, would you be so kind as to elaborate, or give an example?
I'm not advocating taking people for granted. My point is to show the difference between appreciation, and what the media has implanted us with as neo-moralism if I can use that term

#5
Hatem Abunimeh
Said
On: 9/11/2006 8:52:32 PM

Qwaider,
I guess what I'm saying is that when you take people for granted you automatically introduce the element of assumption into the ambiance, for instance, you can't take it for granted that I'm a nice guy unless you have known me for a very long period of time, and you gained your knowledge about me through arduous experience, you can't assume that since I'm an Arab and Muslim that I'm praying five times a day and fasting in Ramadan,...etc. You can't take for granted anything otherwise you will be getting into stereotyping, into cliché, which in essence is a wrong thing to do. I'm not saying that you can never take anybody for granted, you can and you do, and we all do, but we must always be careful about where do we draw the line on our so called "taking people for granted" and most importantly we can never generalize which means that we have to look at taking "people for granted" on case by case basis.

#6
Danah
Said
On: 9/11/2006 8:56:38 PM

Oh well .. the way I see yet ..it's a matter of different points of view .. and how each of us understands the phrase .. it can be confusing ..

as in : Underestimate the value of, become used to ..

or : take to be the case or to be true; accept without verification or proof

I looked them up from www.answers.com

the point is , when you care for someone and they care for you , it wont be only as a give and take or as you refered to it "what have you done for me lately" .. but it should be living each moment according to the definition of the people who share it with all joy and trouble it can contain .

#7
TheSage
Said
On: 9/11/2006 9:01:47 PM

I've been following this for a while now, and I have to say I agree more with Qwaider than everyone else here.

Let me give one example of taking people for granted. It's called "Trust"

If you Trust someone, you take their loyalty for granted. What does this mean? the "peace of mind", "Safety" and "comfort" that Qwaider was talking about. We all do that, we are all guilty of that. Keeping your guard up with people you love, is not the right way to have a relationship, but I could be mistaken

God Bless all

#8
thecaller
Said
On: 9/12/2006 1:30:00 AM

Asalam 3alaykom,
The real test one should take to know if he really loves someone or appreciates a friend..is when they don't give..normally one would want and expect a lot..but when he doesn't get anything yet still care and love and is willing to even give unconditionly..this is when it is sure that he is genuine..and only then one won't care about what he gets..he would find great love a natural thing that flows like streams..
That's what moms do..great lovers..amazing friends..
If we could give a lot and the other is also the type who puts much thought into giving ..it would be heavenly..still...irrelevent if i truely love..

saber roba3y sings:
at7amelak la2ny ba7ebak at7amelak..oo mahma te2sa ana alby bey7enlak..alby oo ana oo 3omry oo 7ayati been edeek..manta ana ..adary oo naseeby oo roo7y leek

The only thing we take for granted in a bad way is life..we waste it for nothing..
I liked the two posts Q..thank you.

#9
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/12/2006 3:18:22 AM

Thanks for explaining Hatem
But, this is not about people you don't know this is more or less about people you're very close to and know very well. Therefore, you're not assuming that they're nice people, these are people you know
Stereotyping and generalization may or may not be something good, but again this is not really related to the matter with all due respect.
When we say things like, "Blood is thicker than water" and the likes. It does provide a sense of security. That is not really found otherwise.
I don't understand the fear of Generalizations that we have. In this particular case, I'm doing the absolute opposite. Showing that taking someone for granted might "NOT ALWAYS" be bad, or in other words going against the generalization.
Anyway, this is really fun and organic discussion, I'm enjoying it

Danah, I don't disagree with you at all. There is room for more than one point of view in this. There is no right or wrong. ESPECIALLY when we talk about relationships. What ever works might not necessarily be right, or good, or would work for others.
However, Being taken for granted means that you're a dependable person, someone people can rely on, and that my good friend, is like finding a treasure

TheSage, Thanks Dr Suhaib, I'm really honored with your visit. Please do it again.
And Yes, trust is one more way we take people for granted, it means you know they will do the right thing, even if you're not there.
Sorry I missed that in my original post.

TheCaller Always lovely to see you here, thank you so much. You have amazing wisdom there. And I truly believe that this point is East-vs-west ideologies. The west as usual focusing more on what makes you feel happy NOW, while the east focusing on what makes a relationship remain and solidify.. Nietzsche anyone!!?

Yes, we are being invaded in every way you can think of, and believe it or not, This little number is not as simple as it looks

#10
Tamara
Said
On: 9/12/2006 10:27:10 AM

Qwaider

I like the deeper look you give to things its eye opening, I enjoyed both posts. I do agree with you that if you feel safe enough in a relationship you will take them for granted and that is a great thing.

For me personally I always feel the blessings I have in my relationships, and from time to time always remember to let them know that I value our relationship, this has nothing to do with materialistic aspects, it may be an unexpected sms or a smile. Be honest even if you feel great that your wife for example is taking you for granted but wouldn't you be happier if she remembered from time to time to show her appreciation.

#11
The Observer
Said
On: 9/12/2006 11:01:05 AM

I guess that there is a difference of our perception of the meaning of the phrase "taking someone for granted".

what I understood from Qwaider point of view that he believes that someone shouldn't feel insecure in his relationship where he doesnt have to feel obliged to continously put efforts in order to keep the love of his parnter.

While on the other hand Khalida is argueing from the attention point of view and giving appreciation for the one you love.

"Taking someone for granted" to my perception is closer to Khalida's point of view. Sure, someone needs to feel secure in his relationship. Being in some much demanding person can be exhausting, but continous showing of love and appreciation is necessary to keep the one you love feeling special.

#12
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/12/2006 11:54:17 AM

Thanks Tamara, apparently, there is no agreement on this matter, some people like it. Some people hate it.. It also depends if you're on the receiving end of things. But most of the time those words are uttered by women. Not men. Maybe we expect to be taken for granted! Maybe we're way too practical to be flattering. IF that was all that it takes!
I don't see any guy expecting the lady to bring him jewelry on his birthday, or he's unappreciative and takes her for granted. People will differ, that's a great thing :)

The Observer, I understand and respect both views of the matter, although, I feel that Khalidah's view is more skewed towards the western moral system which is based more on give and take rather than what "TheCaller" mentioned in that the relationship is originally with God, you do what you need to do, unasked, and without expecting anything in return... Both work, and both exist ...

#13
Khalidah
Said
On: 9/12/2006 12:09:36 PM

Ya Qwaider ...

Relationships need a lot of work to make them work ... you don't just commit to someone and assume it is enough ... and yes, people need continuous reassurance that they are loved and taken care of .. otherwise we wouldn't see all these marriages that have gone cold because of lack of attention ...

Attention can be in the form of a woman taking care of herself to stay beautiful in the eyes of her husband ... what you are saying is like the argument I hear from some women that when they get married; they don't have to pay extra attention to their looks because they have married already and are no longer in the searching mode ...

Usually; when you get too comfortable with something; it is the time that you start losing your status or edge ...

Taking people for granted has nothing to do with western or eastern way of thinking ... it has to do with human perception .. and to me ... it is when you feel secure with someone that you start to show them how you really feel and it is continuous ...

So for example; would you take your job for granted just because everyone likes you and you don't have to prove yourself to them; they know that you are a good worker even though you are not continuously showing it ...

So your wife to be should not be demanding any attention or any expression of love because she should know by now that you love her ... I mean you loved her enough to marry her .. that should be the end of it .. ha?

#14
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/12/2006 1:22:40 PM

You just conveniently generalized the whole matter and aligned it with your point of view. Which I see as inaccurate.

First of all, when talking about human relations, work example is not really relevant. It doesn't work like that. You work for a price, and you're expected to do your job AND have your managers like you. That's a whole other subject

As for marriage, and relations. Continuously proving one's self is just as bad as taking one for granted. It means that you're always on the edge, afraid of losing this heaven which quite frankly is extremely insecure position to be in.
If a woman, or a man, can't feel comfortable in a relationship, then all we do to prolong it is like morphine, you will keep upping the dosage and eventually it will mean nothing!

Khalidah, continue to believe what ever you want to believe, and work on your relationships the way you like to work on them, and DON'T TAKE ANYTHING for granted, make sure you prove to the person you love how much you love them, I just hope that works for you. But Please don't generalize your experience as the one and only truth and the only thing that works ... If it did, men wouldn't be running away from the molasses relationships they're in to go to some abusive younger wives. If it did, women who really have everything in life, don't ask for divorce, for someone who's going to treat them like shit. Frankly, I've seen both happen all too often. But I'm not generalizing, I'm just saying if you're really able to take anyone for granted, then imagine the bliss... someone who loves you indefinitely, infinitely, no matter what you do, no matter how you look, and no matter what mistakes you commit ... That my dear, is Bliss to me, and if I find someone like that... I couldn't be anything but ... the best I can

#15
Khalidah
Said
On: 9/12/2006 2:16:51 PM

Qwaider; you are asking me not to generalize yet this is exactly what you are doing ... and from what you said in your last comment, you are actually proving my point and not the opposite ... but any way ... it is better to agree to disagree .. and at least acknowledge that I do have a point :)

#16
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/12/2006 2:28:58 PM

What's going on? I have neither generalized nor have I proven your point. But again, continue to believe whatever you think is right. :) ... I see it as wrong ... but who am I to tell you how you live your life?
And sorry, with all due respect, your last comment makes no sense at all. It sounds as if you just want to argue this more. When your point is clear, my point is clear, they're on two different ends of the spectrum. Am I right? I don't know. And the same can be said about your point of view...
So Yeah, I agree to disagree, I'll agree on that one.
I hope we'll still be friends in 10 years, and I'll ask you the same question again, when you're busy with your 8 children :)

#17
Khalidah
Said
On: 9/12/2006 5:03:49 PM

8 children ya moftari???

And I am hoping we will still be friends after all dude ...

اختلاف وجهات النظر لا يفسد للود قضية .. والا شو رأيك؟

على راسي انت يا سامر ... ما تزعل اذا جاكرتك شوية ... هاي الحركات بتصير بين الاصحاب وانت من أعز الاصحاب .. يالله عيش

:)

#18
Qwaider
Said
On: 9/12/2006 7:44:14 PM

Jakartini :) hehehehe 7ilweh hay, I haven't heared the term in a while! :)

#19
Liz
Said
On: 2/12/2009 10:59:48 PM
SpamScore=[6]

I would love it if someone was confident in my love for them that they could take it for granted that I'm always there ONLY if I can do the same. I know this to be beautiful because I had a relationship like this for over six years. I could assume he was there and wasn't going to hurt me and he could assume the same from me. Why is it over, it just is. Doesn't mean the "taking for granted" part killed it. And it doesn't mean we didn't appreciate each other or was unkind to each other either.

Taking someone for granted is beautiful when it's positive. What makes this phrase negative is that most people use the phrase to mean they are neglected and are being used in a disrespectful way. I think that's why most people see this phrase as a negative thing.

ANYWAY...if it is mutual, it's beautiful. If it is not mutual, it's usually not healthy because it is followed with other negative things.

Thanks for the articles, both you two.