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« When a secondary school loser vs a Harvard PhD holderالمعجزة »

What you do not know, does not hurt you

  • By: Qwaider

  • On:Sunday, August 13, 2006 2:30:03 PM
  • In:Thoughts
  • Viewed: (9643) times

    • Currently 4.4/5 Stars.
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    Rated 4.4/5 stars (229 votes cast)

    So you had a few fortunate or misfortunate relationships before you met, "The One". What should you do?

    kissfrog

    So you finally found "The One", only after kissing many frogs, and none turned to prince(ss) charming, until now...

    Many questions start racing in your head...

    • Do you tell them?
    • Do you remain silent?
    • Would they be upset if they know?
    • Would they be upset if they didn't know?
    • If you do decide to tell them, how much details do you divulge?
    • If you decide to say something, When is a good time?

    It's not easy really. Even if you're one that considers the past yours, yours only and no one needs to know about it since, it's yours, all yours and no one has the right to ask you about it.

    But the issue is not what you have or have not done, it's more like if you would want to let "The One" know in an informative fashion, not a judgemental one.

    I strongly believe truth is the best policy, yet, the hot slimy details might be a little bit too much information to talk about. Since it might cause you to fall in the trap of comparison with former lovers. Even if it was public domain information at the time. It's history, so might be worth an honorary mention, but not all details would be received positively. Specifically if there are certain things that you decided NOT to do again and the present person is asking for it. On the ground of precedence, or "Why wouldn't you do X since you've done it to Y. Is s/He better than me?"

    Some people will take it positively, some people might not. There is really no good time to do this. Some might argue that the sooner the better, some might say No only do it way after everything is done. I personally prefer to know early on to give each party a chance to decide on the future and move on, forget about it.

    But many will choose not to say anything, and risk having their partner know on their own indirectly. At such a stage they might let them know, since it's a need to know thing. But would most probably add some tension to the relationship, but again. Who knows? These are no clear cut things. There is always give and take and your experience is highly dependant on your partner.

    I still consider open, candid, communications to be the best policy. It's the only way to drop all the masks and show the naked you in front of your partner, without carrying the weight of all the skeletons you have in your closet.

    Other Memories Documented on August 13
    « When a secondary school loser vs a Harvard PhD holderالمعجزة »

    Memories....

    • #1
    • 7ala
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 3:50:38 PM
    I totally agree; you are very right.

    I would prefer to know about the previous relationships of the one “my one” and I would tell him every thing about me. I think its something that makes us closer to each other.
    Of course I don’t like to know the details such as how much he loved her or what he was doing to make her happy or what ever of these details because it will not help or do any good thing to the relationship but I would ask about how these relationships ended, why and what he didn’t like about them …etc…
    But after talking about such things with your partner you shouldn’t be judgmental and you should never never never talk about it again, or listen to any one else talking to you about it, or use it against him / her someday because that would break your partner’s heart and he/she will never be honest with you again.
    Khalas listen , take what you want to know , and throw the story behind your back.
    Just keep in your mind that it’s the past and you are your partner’s present and future and this is the only important thing now and forever.

    I feel I wrote a new post :-)
    • #2
    • RAnonymous
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 3:56:46 PM
    Sometimes we have things in our past that we deeply regret and wish it never happened, so I wouldn't dare tell them to the one I want to spend my whole life with. I think we all know that everyone had a past, we should be understanding if they didnt feel like sharing it.. some details hurt deeply as well.. And when you wish to forget something totally you woudn't want anyone else to know about it, especially that you would feel it breaks your image in they eyes of your beloved ones.. who are the most important.
    • #3
    • Anonymous
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 4:08:58 PM
    I totally love this post, Qwaider you're such a sensitive person. I am so madly in love with your writings!
    I hope I can meet you someday. I recently left my job, so I will be spending more time reading your lovely blog! And will have one myself too
    • #4
    • 7ala
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 4:23:21 PM
    RAnonymous I think your partner should be understanding and shouldn’t push you to say what you don’t feel like saying but it would be really hard to the one if he knew these things from other people.
    And yes I am against talking about the previous relationships in details because it really hurts.
    And believe me the one who really loves you will never let anything affects your image in his/her eyes especially if this thing was from the past.
    Q

    I had to drop you a comment even thought I have to run out...but the piture and the first couple of lines remind me of something I would write myself : ) I thought I had the corner for toads and princes : D
    Hi Qwiader ,

    I want to ask you a question not related to this post. When I was away my younger brother changed my template programming and i cant save or post new posts and an error message is appearing

    001 java.io.IOException: No space left on deviceblog/23/32/15/abu-karak/archives/2006_08_01_abu-karak_archive.html

    Im not sure what does it mean.


    L.A.


    Hey Qwaider ,

    I wanted to ask you a question. Today y younger brother changed my blog's template and since then i couldnt post any new blog and i cant republish my blog.

    An error message appears on the page

    001 java.io.IOException: No space left on deviceblog/23/32/15/abu-karak/archives/2006_08_01_abu-karak_archive.html

    And im not sure what to do?

    Thanks in advance

    L.A.
    • #8
    • salam
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 4:59:29 PM
    I personally believe you should give the second part as much information as he/she plans to drag out of you.If one nedds to know the name of every other gender person you talked to,then squeeze your mind and remember.If he/she only asks for headlines,then go ahead and offer them but spare him/her the details if he/she seems not wanting to bother him/herself with the details of a past history.What I'm trying to say,let the other part decide how much they want to know,and work accordingly.
    Asalam 3alaykom,
    Qwaider..i found myself reading this post several times..and here's what i thought:
    - I  noticed that little mouse looking up to the girl kissing the frog and about to turn him into her prince charming..i felt for the poor lonely mouse:(

    - I wondered who is the real " THE ONE"..

    - I agree on straight forward talk..i love short cuts..it may be an amazing turn out or a heart ache..but it's better for every one..

    finally..i think that any guy who wouldn't lie or be really impatient when asked about his life..is the greatest man ever.

    Important post qwaider..although it's more MELAFLEF than what you usually write.      
    • #10
    • 7ala
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 7:38:26 PM
    The caller I will always keep telling you ennek btefhamy!
    I always prefer the straight forward talk and I love short cuts:)

    And regarding the real "The One" , 3ajabny elso2al :) I think he/she is the one whom you choose with your heart and mind, elly be2dar ye7teweeky w te7teweeh bekol ejabeyatkom w salbeyatkom w elly lamma tetalla3y fih betkony 7asseh eno had hwwe la2anno fi shi jowwaky be7kilek "had hwwe el2ensan elly bedek tkammly ma3ah kl 7ayatek!" ... This is the real "The One" :)

    Sorry Qwaider ana elmawdo3 3ajebny kteeer so akhadet a7aqeyyet elrad 3la elcomments fi had elpost, wella sho ra2yak aray7ak w akhod elpost to my blog w khalas?! :-)
    Salam,

    My past is mine alone. I think you owe it to your partner to tell them brief headlines, and it's not their business to know the details.

    I look at it this way, if my wife was there at that time I wouldnt have done whatever it is.

    Plus, it took so many experiences for me to be the person I am today either good or bad ones.

    I think this truth thingy is a trap, LOL.. I mean come on I dare all Arab men who wants to know the past of his wife?! None of us is man enough to handle the truth. LOL

    The same thing with the man's past, let's assume some of your old flings are friends,married to your friends,co-workers. If your wife knew of your old past together you think she will be comfortable being around those people? I THINK NOT.

    KHOLASET ELMAWDOO3... let's not open PANDORA'S BOX!

    Peace
    Seize and savor the moment, live in your present and do not dwell on the past! Why make your life miserable and unbearable at times when you can enjoy your present and your future? The past is long gone and no going back to it by talking about it. It might bring unnecessary pain and regret. You do not owe anything to your current love interest or partner...with you not asking and telling, and your partner not telling  or asking you both spare yourselves a lot of headache. Enjoy life and your current relationship, life is too short to waste in living in the past.
    7ala(#1) khodi ra7tek, el bait baitek :)
    RAnonymous, Yes I agree, there are times that we want to say things, but don’t know how to say them. Or how to admit to them. It’s hard to deal with to say the least
    Anonymous, Thanks, sorry to har about your job, but I also have a friend who left her job recently. You’re welcome to browse around. Ahla oo Sahla
    7ala(#2) The issue is not about him trusting you, or loving you enough to forgive (there is nothing to forgive, s/he wasn’t even there) but It’s about how would you make them feel. And Yes you’re absolutely right, it might really hurt, and might cause a wound that can’t heal easily.
    Tamara I’m glad to see that “great minds think alike” :)
    Legal Alian, Looks like you might have exceeded your space on the server (Usually the images turn out to be too large to keep) Free up some space by deleting old images or files that are too large.
    Hope this helps
    Salam, interesting, some people want to know EVERYTHING, every little detail, every single act, every thought you had. They may get hurt, they may be able to handle it. There’s no way to know! Also, how do we stop ourselves from lying Beautifying what happened?
    TheCaller, I hope you enjoyed it several folds since you read it so many times my generous friend. Little mouse is jealous. He wants “some” lovin too. “The One” Matrix lingo is “The function of the One is now to return to the Source allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the Prime Program. After which you will be required to select from the Matrix twenty-three individuals — sixteen female, seven male — to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the Matrix which, coupled with the extermination of Zion, will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race.”
    pretty scary huh?
    7ala(#3) bikaffi ghazal inti oo theCaller! But seriously, khodi ra7tek kteeer kteer. El bait baitek.
    Palforce, yes, there is that side too, Who wants to open Pandora’s box? And as you know women, NEVER forget these things, and can and WILL use them against you in the first fight.. ;)
    It’s also true that we are who we are because of our experiences. I would expand that to add we are who we are despite our experiences!
    Summer, Pearls of wisdom as usual

    Wow! That was a long comment!
    • #14
    • afaf
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/13/2006 11:15:03 PM
    well, i have to comment cuz all said what i wanted to say in a way or another...but to sum it all...married ppl will tell u not to, unmarried ppl will ask u to...
    i guess it is a thin line between telling or not telling and why..etc...
    u owe ur partner ur self from now on, why dig in the past if the past wasnot that good, since it is obvious it didnot last to be present...so let go, forget, forgive, live and let live... i see it this way...
    if u find someone whose "rasha keteer kteer kbeer we betfham" maybe u r tempted to say few things about ur past, but would ur partner forget what u said or mentioned...i will put it this way, as palforce mentioned, the middle eastern man will never ever forget his wife's past nomatter how openminded he is and i dare anyone, to prove other wise. and women in general will never forget...so do u dare to test her?? i doubt it...
    it is like pandora's box, i would say, thanx palforce for it...
    and yeah one more thing, nomatter how openminded ur partner is, the comparison will always surface to the top!!
    my husband was smart enough, he told me things i needed to know and wouldnot effect our relationship, but i always had these questions, especially comparing between me and his past...he always replied with a smile, but not a single word...so smart!!
    so forget about the past...it is just past!!! and as summer said, life is too short, way too short...so enjoy it, dear!
    asalam 3alaykom,
    Terrifying !!Qwaider...
    summer..you were right about writing arabic  in english letters..
    i was stunned when i read afaf's comment..kept wondering..who's
    RASHA...to discover she meant rsha..her head:D:D
    Yes Afaf, this is a topic that is interesting! There is no single right answer!
    TheCaller, it's just a movie ;-) (the matrix)

    It's awesome to be blogging from my smartphone while I'm relaxing in the sub by the lake ;-)
    asalam 3alaykom,
    I know it's the matrix..the movie..:D
    and yes..it is   awesome and smart;)

    Hi Qwaider ,

    Thanks for your help.

    L.A.
    Afaf, Thanks for quoting me!! i am flattered!
    The caller, most of the times i am right! ;)
    Legal Alien, Glad your tech problem is solved!! what would you have done if Qwaider was not around to help?
    Qwaider, enjoying your Sunday out and blogging wirelessly?? wow impressive! but i really cannot wait for your next interesting blog!! i have to admit, you are the king of blog in my book but do not let it get to your head..always on your toes coming up with new ideas and thoughts..you have something to say about everything and anything under the sun..but really i miss most of all your recipes..haven't you been cooking lately??
    • #20
    • Iman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/14/2006 6:57:31 AM
    I would want to know highlights of his past (especially sexual past!) but wouldn't care nor want to know the details!
    I believe that wanting to know the sexual part without details is like touching the tip of the iceberg without climbing the mountain! more fun knowing these details!! kidding..
    i am telling you ,even knowing this part will give you a heartache and it is better not to know anything part at all. you should care only about your present and future with this person. nothing else.
    • #22
    • Iman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/14/2006 7:24:17 AM
    summer, LOL!

    I think the sexual past is very important..for it will determine whether or not there will be a future together! One partner is painfully acceptable, but more than that could -and mostly would- mean no future for me and him...
    Just ask for STD premarital exam :)
    forgive me guys..i really did not think of STD..too naive i guess?? but yes now that i know, one should at least ask for a clean bill of health. still convinced details would add more spice to your future life together.:)
    • #25
    • Iman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/14/2006 7:43:16 AM
    Hey Qwaider... Of course, that's one of the first requests!
    This is really not the intention of this post, but since we mentioned it. Yes, I think premarital exams of all types (blood work, STDs, immunity ..etc) are very important. At least at the informational level.
    Good point Iman
    • #27
    • 7ala
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/14/2006 11:42:38 AM
    Keef elmawdo3 wesel hon ? :-)
    Khallina 3la el frog w elprince a7san :P
    Interesting discussion people !

    I have to say .. I tend to agree this time with Summer, Afaf and Iman as well .. I do not need to know the deepest and smallest details of the man's past , and that is for all the reason they have already stated :) . But I would certainly want to know if he had done any actions beyond platonic nature . this knowledge will determine where to got from the cross road .  
    Thanks Danah for agreeing. this was not my aim to begin with. but anyway..i am glad you got what i meant. interesting subject and very interesting replies!
    Don't worry Danah, he'll brag about it ... no doubt! :)
    my history is mine ....why would i open closed doors!!!

    :)

    i wont care about his past either!!! Khalas i will start caring once we have a commitment with each other...Actually I don’t advise the arab girls to tell “the one”  their previous adventures unless the guy is veryyyyyyyyy open-minded and liberal which  u rarely find in the arab guys kolhom 302ad !!
    LOL!!!! Arab Lady, you made me laugh so hard. Although I totally agree with you. but I loved the "302ad" part (i's three Zero two AD) 302AD! I love it!!
    That is soooo funny!
    But Speaking of 302's ya3ni el banat a7san? oo Mish 302's? Kullna fil hawa sawa habeebti
    • #33
    • afaf
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/15/2006 6:29:09 AM
    qwaider, how in the world did u get what iman meant?? wallah i am naive too, summer...never thought she meant that...but anyway, i guess in jordan they started the premarital tests to be done, but dunno if covers STD, yet, but i guess it can be added...
    plz,iman,  u donot wanna know his sexual past, cuz we as qwaider said, fil hawa sawa... we all have pasts, if i may say and we r full of 302ads too. believe me u will always wonder and try to ask him to compare...so better quit it from it starts... and no qwaider, the guy maynot brag about his past, depending on the guy...and arab lady, no arab guy will accept the fact that his wife or future wife has a past, this will keep haunting him for the last day of his life, no matter how liberal he is... i guess!! or this would be first time...
    it is really interesting to talk about it after all...at least try to see ur self b4 and after marraige...at least for me...
    takecare all
    add a late comment here :)
    nice post, and i can tell saying the truth for ur partner is so important, coz its better for them to know this info by you and nto by someone else!!  at end they will know
    very nice post Qwaider..

    for me I will tell the one everything about my past..ths is the only way that made me feel comfort..Arab men won’t forget and forgive? Thats maybe right. But I wont be able to live with myself if I hide important things from. As long as I have never done shameful things so why should I be afriraid. If he wont understand then I don’t need such a relation in my life.

    I want to say something here about telling the one you love that you r in love with him/her. as Arabs, girls should always wait for the man to say the magic word “I love u". Otherwise, its not appropriate for a girl to start telling the guy her feelings. Sometimes waiting too long causes the roads to be so far from each other and regretting will destroy some people’s hearts.
    The funny thing, I was watching this show where a couple sit down and talk about everything they were hiding! By the next morning they barely could look in each other's faces.
    The woman said, "I know so many thing about you now that I wish I can un-know"
    • #37
    • Iman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/19/2006 12:07:32 AM
    plz,iman,  u donot wanna know his sexual past, cuz we as qwaider said, fil hawa sawa... we all have pasts, if i may say and we r full of 302ads too. believe me u will always wonder and try to ask him to compare...so better quit it from it starts..

    Yes we all have pasts, no doubt..but not all of us have a promiscuous one!  ... and PLEASE tell me you were kidding about the comparing part? LOL ...I don't want details at all ... so why on earth would I ask him to compare?!
    • #38
    • afaf
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 8/19/2006 11:37:09 PM
    not all of us have that sort of past, sure...and no i wasnot  kidding about comparing, even if u dont ask for details...there will be time for u to catch him upsent minded and u wonder if he is comparing u to his x... i would call myself openminded and easy going and it is ok for my husband to have  his past without me complaining or even asking him about it...but after marraige, it was different, cuz there will be time when he would say u r best!!  and it supposed to make me feel happy...but i would wonder, compared to who???  and when i ask, he would simply smile.... no word...
    maybe it is my personal experience, but we r both openminded and liberal, but still comparison was there...it didnot effect our marraige, but that simply didnot stop me from wondering "compared to who??"...so u d better watch it, dear!!
    You too can have your Memories Documented

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