Marriage, Personality tug of war

I am going to talk about relationships, Marriage to be specific. Co-habitation is of no interest to me.

 

If a perfect stranger you meet once in the bus, street, on the train or during a flight can sometimes have an effect on the way you live your life. Wouldn't your significant other have even larger effect?

The truth is, people are different. A couple would know each other for years. But once they get married it's a whole different game. The most intricate details are shared, that might cause plenty of issues specifically when there is a disagreement about the very same thing or how to do a specific thing.

Some people are never satisfied until they see a perfect carbon copy of themselves in their spouses. They like to see them share the same views same behavior and exact reaction to the same matter.

However alluring that might be, it violates individuality principle. No matter how wonderful you [think/hope] you are the fact is, there is always room for improvement. Not only that. There are many things that we come believe as perfection later to understand that we ware mistaken about them.

What fascinates us about someone is usually their ideas, their take on life, they way the deal with people. The way they handle matters and how cute little things about them are.

At a later stage in a relationship, these very things may or may not continue to amuse and fascinate us, but it's more likely that we get used to them and sometimes we might even come to resent them at times.

All men love to see their wives beautifying themselves, yet at a point they may start to get upset of that for many reasons. Maybe the cost is too high. Maybe it draws unwanted attention. Or just plain old gets too boring

Some seek to totally erase their partner's personality to substitute it with their own. Many partners would accept this. But many others would move to a more defensive position. They hate the idea of giving up their individuality for their partners. But might be faced with a hard choice of either changing or suffer worse circumstances

One view on this is that both should encourage their individualism. If I want another copy of myself then why am I seeking to be with anyone? I should probably spare someone else the agony and just remain celibate. It would be such a boring existence.

Yet others wouldn't have it any other way. It's either their way or the highway

To mediate between these two very opposite perspectives there is the idea of having basic understanding on principles. The implementations or reactions based on these principles. For example, if the couple both agree on what decent attire is, the translation of that principle to actual dressing pattern should be left to individuality to allow the other person to continue to fascinate us with their ideas.

I only gave the dressing example because other more abstract ideas would be harder to visualize, but is by no means limited to dressing. Even the way you speak, sleep, behave are like that. If you agree on the principle (respectful for example) then the implementation is up to the other person.

It's very hard to live with someone without projecting your own ideas on them. But that should be resisted since it will eventually lead to rebellion. Remember, your partners are not your children they don't need you to be a parent (all the time) . Allow them some wiggle room to be able to practice their individualism and don't suffocate them with your personality. You might get to hate the person they turn out to be, and get too bored by your own carbon copy

This subject is really huge, I would love to hear your take on it