The things we do in the name of love

By: Qwaider

On:Sunday, March 30, 2008 8:42:18 AM
In:Thoughts
Viewed: (7525) times

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Today, another friend of mine showed up in veil. In a decision she apparently took to please her -almost- fiance.

I was a little bit in disbelief as I know the kind of bubbly, easy going, outgoing, progressive personality that she had. She has argued in the past with people against the veil, and today she's proudly wearing it.

I couldn't stop myself from asking her and trying to understand what happened. I'm not against Hijab in anyway, but I'm against people doing these things just to please others and not out of belief.

We talked and talked, and the conclusion was that she did it for him, and she's happy to see him happy.

That didn't settle very well with me. I felt that her identity was raped, she's not even the same person anymore. She's an extension of his ego. (And I guess you can tell I'm not a big fan of him)

We left, and everyone went his merry way, as I was getting into my car, I spotted the fiance picking my friend up and he has changed something in the way he looks. He has cut is very long pony tail and looks a lot like a decent fellow (LOL, he is a decent guy, but I don't like him that much)

As I pondered on the whole matter, I realized that he always boasted his long hair, and how it took forever to grow. (And how everyone teased him about it when he travelled back home). I SMSed my friend saying "He cut his hair!!?", she replied, "for me".

A lightning bolt hit my brains as I was driving down the highway, I suddenly realized that everything I once believed might not be the full story. And that maybe there's nothing wrong with a girl getting veiled for the person she loves.

We see it everyday. Guys going on diets for their wives. Girls, wearing their long hair in the specific style her husband loves. The list of things we do for the people we love is so long that it will take me forever to collect them. Then how is getting veiled for the sake of the guy she loves, wrong!? Why is it wrong?

Three of my friends have married Christian Americans, in two cases the ladies converted and live a very devout Islamic lives. They did it for their families, for the ones they love.

I know doing a religion ritual is supposed to be always absolutely for the sake of god. But I also don't find anything wrong with people encouraging a specific ritual. We all do it, all the time, on just about anything and everything that we touch or effect in our environment.

I guess, this specific freedom, the freedom to dress as one like, is another thing that I will not be bothering with anymore. Even the silly question "Are you sure" is no longer appropriate. But It took me all these years to realize that.

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#1
Tamara
Said
On: 3/30/2008 9:16:46 AM

well Q, loosing a few pounds or changing your hair is not quite the same as adopting a religion or a religious act. that being said I feel its more of it being easier to be convinced by someone we love, in what ever they are trying to convince us to do. and its only natural for us to try and please the ones we love but that should not mean loosing our own identity in the process.

#2
Hareega
Said
On: 3/30/2008 9:44:12 AM

wearing the veil is not like cutting your hair. wearing the veil means a change in the lifestyle and throwing away plenty of your clothes, and guys should understand and appreciate that sacrifice.

#3
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/30/2008 9:54:06 AM

You are both right, they're not the same, but they're similar. When we do things in the name of love, nothing is too much.
Some men sacrificed their life for the sake of love
Some women sacrificed everything for the sake of love
Some gave up their families and even the blessing of the society to be with someone. So getting to a point where she puts on a veil in the name of love.. I don't find that too far fetched.

I was like you, I was completely against it in this way. Then I think I'm reconsidering my position now. I think if that makes her and her significant other happy. Then who am I to interfere?

#4
ProudPali
Said
On: 3/30/2008 10:38:53 AM

في متل قديم كنت اسمعو من ماما بيقول: كل ع زوقك و البس ع زوق الناس

بصراحة انا ما عندي اي شي ضد هالشي اللي عملتو البنت و لا الشاب. بالعكس كسب فيها اجر! حتى لو هي ما عملتها عن اقتناع تام بس بالآخر شي ديد. اند شي از هابي سو هو ار وي تو جدج ذيم

i agree that what his reciprocation wasnt of the same intensity, but mind u, is anything about guys intense!? lol i7na we wear viels thus changing our lifestyles, i7na we get pregnant and ruin our bodies for the sake of the continuation of this pathetic race, i7na we leave work to take care of these offsprings we cud do better without. in general women's sacrifices r so much more intense.

#5
Adoosh
Said
On: 3/30/2008 10:57:45 AM

Doing sacrifices in the name of love is one of the noblest things ever, when you willingly and full-heartedly do something solely for him/her out of pure love.. Man that's the most wonderful extreme of expressing love :me-in-love-mood smiley lol:

However( w 5a66en ta7t.ha), doing religion-related changes in the name of love is dangerous, coz it has equal possibility of being dumped if this love ends.

But kaman however, sometimes the "for love" part may be only the trigger for doing such things, like putting on hijab, where the person is actually convinced and wants it but needs something to bush him/her towards the first step, in this case a lover..

#7
العبيط
Said
On: 3/30/2008 10:19:42 PM

doing Sacrifices in the name of LOVE...
in an ideal world yea it is noble...
but People. Hello... Get real please

when you sacrifice something... for someone... you have to think twice...

Is the thing i am getting rid of is changing who i am or not...

which means, cutting your hair or even change its color ( i am totally against coloring) will not change the Core...

But Change the Way you think, or act to a certain situation...
will i call that... cheating your self, coz you are not being your self...
and in LOVE being your self is the essence of any successful relationship...

guys... don't do anything you are not convinced doing, and it is up to other part to access you as you... not the changed you

#8
4 gotton
Said
On: 3/31/2008 3:51:33 AM

A LONG TIME AGO I EMBRASSED ISLAM NOT 4 ANYONE EXCEPT ALLAH SWT. AND THATS THE BOTTOM LINE. IT DONT MATTER IF YOU MARRIED A MONKEY OR A HANDSOM PRINCE WHO YOU WANT TO CHERISH AND DELIGHT AND YOU LOVE TRULEY AND ENDLESSLY. SURE ALL PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY AND PROUD. BUT ABOUT VEILS AND PRAYERS AND ANY OTHER ISLAMIC DUTIES IT IS STRICTLY CREATED FOR ALL AND ONLY HIM, COZ WE WILL GO BACK TO HIM ONE DAY AND HE WILL ASK US , WHAT DID YOU DO HOW DID YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE? BUT FOR ME I PERSONALLY WISH I CAN WEAR IT BUT I LIVE IN THE WEST AND MY JOB DONT ALLOW ME. BUT IF I GET AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT I WILL CERTAINLY DO IT WITHOUT HESITATIONS, I WORE IT BEFORE BUT I GOT SO MUCH HARRASEMENT. BUT FOR A WESTERNER TO EMBRASS ISLAM AND WEAR A HIJAB JUST COZ SHE WANTS TO PLEASE HER SPOUSE I DISSAGREE 100%. IF YOU WANT TO PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND COOK HIM A FEAST OR SOMETHING.

#9
Um Omar
Said
On: 3/31/2008 6:12:04 AM

Nope. No way. You don't put hijab just because someone wants you to do it. And you don't convert because someone wants you to do it. There are too many girls just wearing hjab because someone in their family requires it, and it shows. I can spot them a mile away: tight jeans, make-up, full bosom showing. THIS IS NOT ISLAMIC HIJAB. So all you girls just wearing a scarf can just forget that you are following any kind of Islamic ruling. That is garbage. Hijab is not just clothing! Correct clothing is part one (and I can go on and on about what that entails). Correct ADAB or manners is part two. And you can't have one without the other.

Doing it to get married is just junk. If you believed in hijab all this time and now because you are engaged you are going to do it, then you have misled yourself and Allah SWT. And where was your father all these years letting you exhibit yourself to get a husband? Gag.

And Qwaider, just because a person wears correct hijab doesn't mean she can't still have the 'bubbly, easy going, outgoing, progressive personality that she had.' Even a munaqaba can have a decent friendly, easy going, outgoing personality. I guess you just haven't met many lately.

Remember it is all about the intention. The right intention, the right reward. Allah yadih al ummah.

#10
4 gotton
Said
On: 3/31/2008 3:40:49 PM

ameen.well put um omar. also i want to add that here in the west people look at us muslims through a magnifying glass. everything we do, how we act, what we wear, what we eat ,where we go, how we think.It would seem better to think about the reasons why what we do in our lives is so important because one day inshallah ISLAM WILL PREVAIL over this west and all places. so we need to think about our actions NIYAH .it says who we are if we wear a hijab coz our husbands or fathers said to ,or we pray just coz all ppl do, or fast coz we must for our friends or go make hajj coz we have some money .well to me its just like you did nothing at all. one can only fool himself.

#11
Hani Obaid
Said
On: 3/31/2008 6:38:36 PM

You hit the nail on the head. It's not wrong to sacrifice something for one you love provided there is reciprocity in the give/take of the relationship.

#12
KJ
Said
On: 3/31/2008 8:14:19 PM

Sigh

*points to his own interesting family*

you don't say!

Even if they're not "really" doing it religion but rather for each other, in the end they both now look decent don't you think ;)

Admit it. You were jealous of his pony tail. And secretly you have been high-fiving yourself because now you have "won". Admit it.

#13
sam
Said
On: 3/31/2008 9:22:27 PM

LOL the comments r funny...i dont know...i think to each his/her own..if someone wants to wear the hijab to please her man..so be it...but i will not wear it because my husband asks me...i do however keep my hair reddish brown because my husband likes it..but to change something major...i dont think so...

#14
Maioush
Said
On: 4/1/2008 8:24:50 PM

call me crazy, but i'm welling to do ANYTHING for the person i love, and i mean ANYTHING, and it is NOT considered sacrifice at all, when you do something for the person you love, you both end up happy, and if the person truly loves you he/she will
1. NOT ask you do something against your well
2. NOT ask you do do something that might hurt you by any chance
3. appreciate what you are doing for him/her for sure :)

#15
tinkerbella
Said
On: 4/2/2008 7:30:39 AM

El3abeet is not so 3abeet :) I was going to say something along those lines but he said it all!

Issue of Hijab aside (I am against people wearing it to please someone other than God), I will say that it is easy to sacrifice something for the one you love, if they are also willing 100% to do the same.

And I agree with the 3 points Maioush stated...

Besides, if the person really loves YOU, then they won't want you to change anything about YOU. In fact, they will probably want you to "sacrifice" something that, in the end, is in YOUR best interest. That's the case in true love anyway

#16
Um Omar
Said
On: 4/2/2008 7:34:04 AM

If you look at this way, if she puts hijab for her fiance, and God forbid they split now or later, will she take it off? I have seen it happen. The hijab is a religious obligation, you do it for Allah alone. And I have seen the same thing with conversions. The marriage breaks up and the woman drops Islam because she equates it with how she was mistreated by the husband. If these people were doing it for Allah alone, they would have a different outlook. I have seen it go the other way, where the woman converts for his sake and then she becomes a stronger more committed Muslim than the husband. The husband then is disappointed because he only wanted her to be a Muslim 'by name' only, like he was. So, the joke is on him.

#17
4 gotton
Said
On: 4/2/2008 4:14:12 PM

well im speaking from my personal history now, i became muslim long ago before i met any husband. but when i was arranged for a marriage by a local mosque that husband didnt want my hijab ,so i took it off. well we stayed married coz i really knew that marriage is so sacred in islam and i always had it in my heart to return to islamic way of life, just like before knowing him.but that never worked i guess i was completely empty inside, i got divorced now and married again to a man who does not tell me to wear hijab coz he knows its upto me between allah, that is the total difference,the understanding between you and your spouse must be complete so one can move forward in his path to a better islam.

#18
4EVER4GOTTON
Said
On: 8/22/2008 6:03:13 PM

well we dont throw ppl in the garbage when we are done with them. we dont just say i tried to make it work for 10 months after you promise them u wont leave them. we dont use them for a time and decide later it didnt fill their needs . we dont marry thme till we get what we want and get rid of them . we dont keep lies inside and later make it look as if u are to blame. any one can play games like if u dont like a person u can make it seem they dont like u by all the indirect talks. or u can copy what ever they tell u. if it was true love then one can conclude that no mater what road life gives u . u will put up with it or shut up with it. but never say i love u when u know ur intention was to use or abuse or play freakin baby games just so u will get what u want. grow the hell up''''we are very awake here and dont take kindly to ur stupid black khara magic. ur black heart filled with hate will not last 4 ever. u know and i know and allah knows what u do. u can keep pretending to be some one else have a multiple personality disorder. get help plz...... for the sake of every soul left,u can send fakhoury khoury or hindy i care less but the truth is behind ur smoke screens that youuuuuu chose, my intentions were pure and sweet always so never turn around and blame me for ur sorry excuses u call urself. earth has no room for ppl who claim sucess when they only got it the dirty way. it will be far better to die in the street of saudia that to even think of being tortured more by ur illusions u got. u can keep it. my only thought waS TO BEG HIM TO LOVE ME AFTER ALL OTHER WISHES I HAD WAS DESTROYED BY HIS FAKE RELIGION .