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Shareef, Jordanian spinster, Part 2

By: Qwaider

On:Monday, March 24, 2008 7:03:53 PM
In:Thoughts
Viewed: (4219) times

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Rated 4.7/5 stars (100 votes cast)

I got another email from Shareef, Apparently, he has more to say after his first letter

Dear Qwaider,

Like it wasn't enough that I couldn't get married for the life of me due to all the insane prerequirements of the society. Going through this society made it even harder.

It's not enough all the pain and suffering I have to endure, but the view of the society is so harsh on me that it's driving me insane. Many think I'm not married because I'm gay, or hate women. That alone was enough for me to lose job opportunities. The fact that people look at gays in that way is totally sad, but thats really a whole other issue.

Some people wouldn't even allow me into their homes, thinking that I am "filthy" because I'm not married... But that's not the end of it..

If I'm not being labeled as homosexual, I'm being labeled as a Playboy who is after his own endless pleasures and thrills. Others think that I have a contagious STD and that's why I can't get married. The list of rumours can go on for miles.

As my friends got married one by one, and started their own families, I started getting lonelier and lonelier. Since married people were hanging out with other married people and "filthy" singles have no place there. We are the untamed dogs who will seek every opportunity to charge the females of that pack and mate with them. Treating me the same way they treat a splinter.

In every gathering, the first, and most awkward question is always, "why aren't you married?", are you gay? Are you impotent? They don't have to say these question, they are there all the time.

So which one of these shall I pick? Homosexual? Playboy, or deadly STD?

People appear to have forgotten that we are human beings. There are many things that are beyond our control and no matter how hard we try it just might not work.

In reality, I'm unable to even find ladies who are willing to spend some time to get to know me. Or even talk to me. My age, my social situation are defining who I am and I'm being sentenced to more loneliness even before I utter a single word. About the only thing that can help me is mentioning that I will buy her an Apartment, or a car. People don't look beyond the materialistic facade.

The sad part is that my married friends come to me, from time to time, coveting my celibacy and wishing they were single too... If they only knew how painful it is.

Shareef

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« Happy Easter, or is it Ashoura?!

Who wants to get yamlified?! »

Memories....

#1
za3tar
Said
On: 3/24/2008 9:20:25 PM

The first of Sahreef's letters was acceptable (although not as dramatic as that of Salma's). But now, it seems that Shareef is exaggerating this issue in his mind.

I don't know where is Shareef from, but in our conservative Arab/Middle-Eastern society, an old unmarried man is rarely (if ever) faced with these accusations that Shareef is talking about. Yes, people will be generally bugging him to get married, but rumors of homosexuality and STDs ??!! Come on. I think Shareef should get out some more :-).

#2
laila
Said
On: 3/24/2008 10:36:09 PM

bizarre. mind you (za3tar) i dont know of any bachelors over the age of 40 in our society, so I dont know what the attitude is. But I guess it is easier for a woman ro explain her maidenhood, since she relies solely on chance wherease the men can be proactive and can (and do) go for much younger women. i.e. overlooking the ladies over 30ish. so i guess it throws up some Qs. Mind you I couldnt imagine anyone jumping to the conclusions shareef mentions! At most they may assume he is mo3a8ad or just simply a hermit.

#3
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/24/2008 11:01:36 PM

Za3tar
By going out more Shareef will make it even more of an issue. And who would he go out with? All his friends are married. And hang out with other married people
We're just so unaccustomed to feeling with other males who suffer just as females do. But we're preprogrammed to sympathize with women, and tell men to go out and find a cow and get married to her!

Laila
Again, thanks for gibing part of your impulsive reaction. It's true, what you said is what many people think about Shareef. He's got issues, he hates women, he might be gay. Everyone speculates since it's really an abnormal situation. Men do have the initiative, but it's women who accept or reject. Men can't be accepted just by proposing!

And no one can sue him for having a specific taste in women. I for one agree on the notion of getting married to the one that you feel happy with or live in celibacy and not waste your life with a person you don't care for.
Why is expected to compromise? Women do, and men do ... and both suffer the burdens of a cruel society

#4
arima
Said
On: 3/24/2008 11:13:14 PM

I feell sorry for Sharif but as you say it seems a little dramatic...in our society, older single men are not ostracised because most social gatherings tend to be single sex anyway- or at least a significant percentage are. I personally think it must be easier to be a single middle eaged Arab man than it is to be a single middle aged Arab woman.

#5
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/24/2008 11:18:29 PM

Yes Arima, I find it very painful for both, but more for women. But the most important point here is that they both suffer.

#6
Um Omar
Said
On: 3/25/2008 8:15:59 AM

Ya Shareef, please make du'a and inshAllah you will find what you are looking for. Remember that everything happens for a reason and Allah has a plan for you. Don't give up hope. Positive thinking breeds positive actions.

#7
Tamara
Said
On: 3/25/2008 9:06:19 AM

Well its interesting to hear about a man suffering from the social injustices. It must be painful for him, but if my memory helps me, he said that he has now a university degree, he is in his forties( not too old)and for the dowry and expenses he spent in his engagement does not show he is that poor, the way he talked about the engagement party was not bad even though it was at Jabri!? some people dream of having a party there. so in conclusion he is not that bad of a catch for a women.

We come down to, what is his personality like? if he is in real life as negative as he sounds, well that would be reason enough he is still single , if he likes the feeling of being a victim of the society, I guess that will portray in his behavior, such a negative person will not find any one .

In my opinion, he needs to loose the victim attitude, and look for someone closer to his age group, financial\social\educational level. there are families who want to see their daughters with a good man, and are not looking to capitalize on her marriage. but if he is looking for that perfect looking lady in her early twenties, well ....good luck !

#8
The Observer
Said
On: 3/25/2008 9:52:02 AM

I guess that I agree with za3tar here. While people are becoming more aware of homosexuality, still they dont jump to conclude that single men in their 40s are homosexuals. Some do that but most dont, but i guess this would shift more into what sherif is talking with time, unless more men are choosing to stay single while having outside marriage relations

#9
Imad
Said
On: 3/25/2008 4:24:51 PM

Wow..poor guy. I just read his first letter and it depressed me :( It Didn't seem real at first but the guy seems genuine . I think he should've seen the writing on the wall and what type of girl/family he was dealing with from the beginning. He could've avoided all the expenses he had to incur even before the wedding which was a lot more than an average person might spend on a wedding

#10
afaf
Said
On: 3/25/2008 7:08:36 PM

oh, yeah i know what he means....
i have heard it from alot of ppl...if a guy reached his 40sh and still single...then ppl simply jump to the point "oh, he must be a gay...impotent...etc...."...i always felt sorry for these guys...cuz who r we to judge "why"...it could be as simple as it could be...but ofcourse inspecter gadget in each one of us simply surfaces on....
allah ye3eeen...just hang in there...eventually there is a light at the end of this tunnle...
peace...