Shareef, the true Jordanian spinster

By: Qwaider

On:Friday, March 21, 2008 9:41:53 AM
In:Thoughts
Viewed: (5143) times

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After reading Salma on the Observer, Shreef decided that he as a guy has a lot to say

Dear Qwaider,

I am so sick of my life, no matter what I do, it's never good enough for this society. I'm a single man 40 year old, spent my whole life earning degrees, getting proper education and working to support my family in the face of wave after wave of price hikes and life essentials that no longer appear to be accessible to the ordinary law abiding citizen in this country.

Being the eldest in my family I had to shoulder the responsibility of helping my younger siblings get through the overwhelming price of education. I helped them get on their feet and get married. To move on with their lives.

I fell in love once, but when I proposed to the lady of my dreams I was slammed with a huge dowry that I couldn't possibly afford. My dreams were shattered, right then and there.

Years later, and at the persistence and pressure of the whole society to get married I followed the traditions and was so fed up with the whole thing that I left the whole process of finding a wife to my family. They went from one house to another begging for their daughters in marriage for their son. But for a long time, they came empty handed. I was considered damaged goods after I had to drop out of collage to support my family. Even though I was making good money through my business.

I thought that was my biggest handicap, I decided that I will go back to school and earn a degree. The price I had to pay to earn my degree was so much that it set my marriage dreams few more years.

I tried to rationalize many things in my life, like, why is the burden of supplying everything is on my shoulder alone? Why am I asked to pay for everything so that a lady can come to the house and spend my money on empty stuff! But under pressure I had to surrender and follow tradition.

My family now was able to approach people who were more accepting since I fulfilled their basic demand of at least university degree. I got the degree, I hang it in my shop to collect dust! I gained nothing with that degree but the respect of the future bride to be.

Even before I saw the future Mrs the demands started, I was supposed to take "something" with me every single time I went there. I was supposed to take her and her brother out to places and get her gifts and jewelry. Birthday presents, brother's wedding, sister's graduation, etc ..etc. I had to work double as much just to be able to cover all the expenses after I paid JD8,000 to get her gold, and another JD8,000 for dowry to be followed by $15,000 Moakhar.

I was also slammed with the bill for the engagement party. Yes we made it in Jabri, but it wasn't cheap! After all is said and done it was well above JD6000 and we weren't even married yet. I was supposed to start paying for her college and expenses. I was so frustrated that I decided I'm dropping the whole matter. Especially when my mother in law started making some outrageous demands that I couldn't possibly fulfill without selling my whole business and livelihood for their sake.

I decided to back out, but it wasn't that simple! On top of everything that I paid I still had to pay. Apparently, if I cancel the engagement I'm obligated to pay half the dowry and would only get half of the documented gifts. Half the jewelry, half the combined amount of the dowry (15,000+8,000=23000/2=11500) so I was 3500 short of half the dowry. Everything else I paid didn't even count

After that I was financially bankrupt, and couldn't afford to get married for years to come.

I'm getting older, and I dream of the day I see a little kid to carrying my name. My brothers and sisters all boast three or four kids while I sit there, watching in despair.

I did everything right, I worked hard, I studied hard, I never fooled around, I shouldered the responsibility of the family, is it too much to ask for to be able to be independent and start my own family?

Soon, I'll be even older, and girls of marriage age are not going to accept me due to my older age and gray hair. What have I done to deserve this life? Or should I go out and throw my whole family honor in the lap of the first prostitute?

When is this society going to be fair to it's sons who have done nothing wrong but did their best to get somewhere in life. Yet at every step there was an obstacle. I couldn't find a job to help my father, so I had to turn a small shop into a cellular phone booth living off scraps, and saving every penny I earned for my family.

Is living with dignity too much to ask these days? When I see women complaining about not finding grooms, I feel like I'm transparent, a fly on the wall. I've been shouting in my silent cage for many years and no one is listening to me. I was shackled by the society as I kept sinking deeper and deeper and no one heard my cries for help. They were all there when they needed something.

I decided I'm going to leave this place. Let it crash and burn. I got nothing from it but loss, and insult to my existence. I blame you all for this. I blame every family and every daughter for forcing me to flee my home in search for decent living.

Sincerely

Shareef

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Memories....

#1
Arima
Said
On: 3/21/2008 10:54:16 AM

really this is very bad...but it is a problem throughout the Middle East. In an era of growing inflation, it seems some people's expectations are simply unrealistic. My deepest sympathies to Shareef.

#2
Hani Obaid
Said
On: 3/21/2008 5:51:36 PM

Now we just need an organization put all the Shareefs and Salmas together. Oh wait isn't that what facebook does ? Maybe not :)

#3
Lost Within
Said
On: 3/21/2008 11:54:15 PM

Both Shareef and Salma have a point ! society is unfair to both which makes a tie ... however we all know that being a 30 sth single woman is not the same as being a 40 sth single man ,,, a woman in her 30s have much less opportunities than the 40 year old man !
I am thinking of hooking up shareef and salma :P they will make one cute angry at society couple !

#4
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/22/2008 12:21:25 AM

Thank you!
You're how old again!!!? And I honestly don't mean this as an insult or anything. But at your tender age of (what? 18?) you actually GET IT!
The society is so unfair to both characters. An older lady. A poor man, An uneducated man. An older man who's not filthy rich

#5
Um Omar
Said
On: 3/22/2008 9:29:39 AM

This is one of my big pet peeves in Jordan and other ME countries. I have seen it in Egypt and Syria as well. Men are forced to work and work for years to gain enough to buy the apartment and all the stuff that goes with it, meanwhile, they get older and older and less 'attractive' to the 17/18/19 year old girls their mothers would like them to marry. And what does a 35 year old guy have in common with a 17 year old girl, I would like to know. Some of these girls are raised to dream of the ideal wedding and all the bling that goes with it, instead of being raised on how to be a good partner and wife. 'The Wedding' is such a big extravaganza in this society and over done beyond belief. What a waste of money. My old landlord and her husband had the right idea back in their day, they did the kitab al ketab ceremony and took the cash intended for the wedding and just went off traveling and saved for buying a house. Why don't families get realistic and take the emphasis off the wedding party and all its expenses and put that cash into investing into a lifetime. In America, almost all couples know that the first years will be lean and that they will live in rental housing and will BUILD a life together. There is no need to have a full dining room set and two sitting rooms, etc. They are happy to be together and have some plastic folding chairs and a mattress on the floor in the bedroom. That is really all you need. The growth that the couple goes thru in surviving those first years together go a long way to building a strong marriage. Come on Arabs. Get on the bandwagon and by the way, start living Islamically while you are at it. Extravagance has nothing to do with the Sunnah. My two cents or five for that matter.

#6
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/22/2008 9:53:06 AM

Well said Um Omar,
I'm glad we have the point of view of someone experienced and knows what is of value and what is not.
Thank you for your insight

#7
Hareega
Said
On: 3/22/2008 6:05:01 PM

It's much easier for men than it is for women. Men can get married at any age, but for women it's only a limited age period during which a man would usually propose to them.

#8
tinkerbella
Said
On: 3/23/2008 7:07:57 AM

Wallahi this is so wrong on so many levels and SOOOOO un-Islamic.
Marriage is not supposed to be a financial prostitution of the families for their daughters and istighlaal the groom!
This man has done everything right and yet he is still unable to marry because of a society that places money and "appearances" above all else. Yes, sure, families are concerned about economic conditions and blah blah blah...but this does not apply here. He makes a decent living, he lives a pious life, he CAN provide for a wife so why the hell is he still single? Where are the families who care for their daughters more than they care for what the neighbors say?

I love what Um Omar said: " Get on the bandwagon and by the way, start living Islamically while you are at it. Extravagance has nothing to do with the Sunnah." Well said!

#9
KJ
Said
On: 3/23/2008 6:02:55 PM

Hmm, for a minute I thought it is my writing this letter from the future under the name Shareef.

Mom's already asking me to buy an apartment. I am like WTF... I have less than two years working experience and as much income and I am already expected to buy an apartment? If it were that easy every 23 year old would have done it!

I am expected to pay bills, pay car loan, pay rent, pay all expenses - mind you this place isn't cheap - and then be expected to even buy an apartment and shackle myself in debt for 10-15 years until I pay it off.

Seriously! THINK PEOPLE!

Too much pressure is on men and too much pressure is on women. Khalas, if a women isn't married by 25 she's a spinster. Boo hoo - a woman's life and career should end now by 25? "But no of course she can work... and of course she has a different life now"... yeah cuz what better to raise your kids than some stranger who doesn't speak Arabic and doesn't share your values and culture.

And look at us single men, numbers increasing. We can't afford our BACHELOR LIFE to be able to afford a married one - yes we have to provide for our wives but I am marrying a woman, a human being who will be my catalyst in making this life more meaningful and spiritual. I am not BUYING her from her family and I certainly I am not obliged to buy her MOM house appliances and cars - that's what HER HUSBAND is there for.

If the parents weren't GREEDY then their spinster-in-becoming girls would be able to FIND a guy with brains in his head who doesn't end up banging against a wall at the age of 40 from loneliness.

Sorry for the rant, but I am really upset here, there is just too much expected out of me as a 23 year old it isn't even funny. When and if I get married I will be moving so some remote countryside and raise sheep and enjoy cottage cheese and winters by the fireplace

#10
The Observer
Said
On: 3/24/2008 10:16:16 AM

Well done Qwaider

I am sorry for sherif too. Men are subjected to social pressure as well to get married, and yes it gets worse with time, but it is less embarassing to live single for a man rather than for a woman because people percieve it as a choice of the man while being a shortage for a woman. Yet men can still live alone and fool around without having the restrictions of the family and have it easier to break the rules of society than of women.

Yes, playing with the rules for both gender is not a wise thing to do. I see young men drawning themselves in debts in order to get married and spend their entire life paying them! What we need is a social model that isnt focused on marriage. Yes marriage is essential and preferable but if people can't do it, they should be labelled unworthy!

#11
PH
Said
On: 3/24/2008 7:19:34 PM

Great post! but I think the problems Sharif presents are something all guys in the middle-east suffer from, and that all middle-eastern women fail to recognise or admit, when they complain about lack of suitors or how inappropriate they are.

Even though most women blame it on society, but none of them will give up any of the marriage requirements nor take up any new responsibilities after their getting their long sought after freedom. I mean why do they cry about wanting to work, travel, study and all that when at the end of the day they want their husbands to shoulder all the responsibilities of marriage and costs of life afterwards ? They are seriously acting like spoilt children.
By the way can I repost Sharif's letter on my blog ?

salaam

#12
laila
Said
On: 3/24/2008 10:26:20 PM

8000 for gold and 8000 for maher (this is well above what any of my cousins asked for and i think we are financially middle class, in general!)? errr, i thought the gold=mahr? + I thought that in palestinian and jordanian families the brides family pay for thr engagement? and why was he expected to foot the bill for the woman's education before they were marries. all strange. but it seems that he proposed to a girl froma richer family than his, which would explain her different financial expectations from the whole marriage procedure.

mind you what MAY be standing in the way of him getting married now is his bitter attitude + his insinuation that only his family honor stands in the way of him and prostitutes! i.e no respect for women, himself or his religion (that is how it comes across in this email).

#13
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/24/2008 10:34:23 PM

Beautiful insight Laila. See, I think this is exactly what he's talking about in his follow up mail. As how people automatically consider him bitter, and lacking respect for women.
It's sad to see how the society is not very tolerant with people in his condition.

The numbers mentioned are very reasonable these days. In fact, many request more. For example, my sister's mo2akhar was JD10,000 and this is 20 years ago

#14
laila
Said
On: 3/24/2008 10:43:08 PM

i wasnt basing my assumption on the fact that he is an unmarried 40 yr old, but on the way he writes and the content of this blog entry.

mo2akhar is different, it never actually gets paid... and i personally never understood what it was for anyway.

#15
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/24/2008 10:53:57 PM

Mo2akhar is due upon marriage. But most people leave it as a debt against the husband that is requested upon death or divorce.
In the case of Engagement. If it is cancelled, the groom is expected to pay half the moqaddam+mo2akhar. So if he paid 1JD as moqaddam and he had to pay 10,000 as mo2akhar, then he owes the Bride JD5000.50 ((1+10,000)/2), even though there wasn't marriage or anything.

Mo2akhar is a safety-net for the wife. It's a deterrent from random divorce. It's a right that she has, I for one find it very important.

#16
laila
Said
On: 3/24/2008 11:05:41 PM

bas there is something called alimony (cant remember arabic term), and this is her right if HE divorces HER. + 10,000 JD 20 years ago is not 10,000 JD today. plus i dont think money can really safeguard against random divorce, only marrying a decent man can safeguard against that. If she has say 3000 dowry, bought unworked gold with them its much better as it will increase in value, and offer her more financial security.

on another note (and i am am going a bit off topic here)-- i think the 1/2 the mo2a55ar would only be paid IF they were married, katib kitaab. here is another fine exampleof why it is sensible to get to know soemone and decide you want to marry them b4 you actually marry them.

#17
Qwaider
Said
On: 3/24/2008 11:16:11 PM

Yes, after katb el kitab. (Engagement not marriage) the man is actually responsible for providing for the wife. Marriage only happens after performing the wedding ceremony and penetration. If there is no penetration there is no marriage. (and I'm really sorry for using that term)

Alimony is something else, that's Nafaqa. Which the woman get after divorce (think of it like a severance pay). She gets a greater amount if there was no reason for the divorce in addition to the mo2akhar

But you're right, there's nothing that can safeguard the future from an bad marriage. Therefore, it's very important to take enough time to get to know the person before getting married to them