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What if it never comes?

By: Qwaider

On:Sunday, February 17, 2008 12:24:39 PM
In:Thoughts
Viewed: (3665) times

Currently 4.6/5 Stars.
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Rated 4.6/5 stars (91 votes cast)

In marriage there are two kinds of love, love before leading and culminating with marriage, and love that starts the minute they tie the knot. Make no mistake, they completely different kinds of love.

Sadly, regardless of what happens before marriage, the one after marriage is never guaranteed to ever happen.

Most of the Arab culture places all the bets on the lasting love that comes after marriage. It's the love fueled by understanding, respect and sharing common life, goals and interests.

Many think that by finding love before marriage, they will have better odds and improve their chances of finding the lasting, life long, commitment to love. Sadly, it doesn't work like that and even worse, there are no guarantees of success. But luckily disaster can be detected a little easier through a number of compatibility tests.

One of the most important things to understand is the person's own self. What's suitable for one person might not be suitable for another. You need to put a lot of thinking when considering people you plan to commit to for life. If those two words don't put a damper on your best choices. Nothing will. So consider wisely.

There are decisions that people can live with. There are others that people can adapt to live with, which is another way of saying, they screwed up on the decisioning part. To make it even more complicated, we're not always presented with enough choices, while at other times we have so many choices that makes sifting through them practically, a nightmare.

Choose wisely... or you will never reach the real lasting love that is rumored to exist after marriage. The examples that I see all around me indicates a horrible truth. There are two sides of this equation and for one side to be a tiny little bit happier the other side needs to pay the expense to keep that equation in balance. So the other side gets a tad bit crappier. Yeah, life forces these kinds of equilibriums on everyone.

That sad realization is all around us, can you see the examples, all around?

Finding the lasting love is the holy grail of life, don't be fooled by the thrill of young love, it's the lasting kind that matters. Quite frankly, I see very few examples of that to the point that I personally started doubting its existence ... but it's out there!

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« كلمات - أسلاك شائكة

70 days ... No Fouad »

Memories....

#1
sara
Said
On: 2/17/2008 12:39:55 PM

*sigh*

You know what, it exists.. It does.. But it's rare :( Just like so many other things..

Yesterday I saw a husband not yelling, just sarcastically talking to his wife in public.. And it really got to me.. Do they really love each other? Is there love, like real love between them? Or is it respect? Don't know..

It's scary.. I fear for myself being in a position where I'd cry day & night..

We need to ask Allah, He's The Ultimate Giver.. Ask Him in every prayer & our wish shall be granted inshaAllah..

Be careful of what you wish for people!

#2
sara
Said
On: 2/17/2008 12:42:22 PM

& yeah, what if it never comes?

#3
chikapappi
Said
On: 2/17/2008 12:46:47 PM

I tend to believe in the fairytale kinda love story and happy endings which ae not true at all and that doesn't help you know :/ I think there is no thing as love bas fee respect which is more important!

#4
Naryat
Said
On: 2/17/2008 1:08:58 PM

We must face it...
It's the ba66i5a theory... ya 7amra... ya 2ar3a... and you have to use the knife so that you know...

#5
Qwaider
Said
On: 2/17/2008 1:13:23 PM

Ma bidddi :'(
I am convinced that there is a scientific way to crack this puzzle :'(

#6
ProudPali
Said
On: 2/17/2008 1:23:09 PM

it doesnt come mind u, ppl work for it to happen!

#7
Princess N
Said
On: 2/17/2008 1:40:56 PM

I believe that you can never know a person until you live with them..
living together for a couple of years makes you understand each other and learn everything about each other.. and i think this is what happens after marriage, after living together they realize that they are not who they thought they were, so why not try it before tying the knot?
I dont say I am with it, I wouldnt live with someone before marriage for social and religious reasons, but i think this is the only way..

#8
Adoosh
Said
On: 2/17/2008 1:42:00 PM

I fully agree with Diam, once you're "trapped" in a marriage, you cannot just sit there moaning about the love that didn't come! Work on it, work on implanting it in the simple little details of daily live. A smile, a thank-you, a pat on the shoulder..etc. they all can spark love :)

#9
Qwaider
Said
On: 2/17/2008 1:44:37 PM

Princess N, I'm skeptical of that. The reason I say that is that a co-worker of mine had been living with his girl friend for over 8 years. They decided to get married only to get divorced 18 months after that. Somehow that still didn't work for them

Dima and Adoosh
I am SURE it is a lot of hard work. However, there are certain personality types that will NEVER work with each other no matter how much hard work is involved

#10
ProudPali
Said
On: 2/17/2008 2:09:14 PM

qwaider, i aint saying FORCE IT! bas ino the longer ppl get to know each other before foolishly rushing into marriage the better their chance of making it work even if little obstacles and adjustments of living together come up. and the more likely they will figure out if it is work-able or not!

#11
Adoosh
Said
On: 2/17/2008 2:37:19 PM

No need to force anything, divorce is still an option at the end of the day, it wasn't invented just for the heck of it, it's a solution as well..

#12
Hani Obaid
Said
On: 2/17/2008 2:41:14 PM

Qwaider, I agree with princess. Your coworker is an exception. When you have lived for someone for over a year, you have seen all their sides. So even if you don't find anything to deeply love, you at least won't be surprised by something you totally hate that was concealed by the social masks people wear every day. There are sides you will never discover even about your best friend unless you live with them. Unfortunately living with a woman before marrying her isn't acceted in our culture. So I suggest looking at your best friend's siblings. Siblings tend to know you even more than your parents do since they know where you keep your hidden gems and where your skeletons are buried!

#13
Simply Me
Said
On: 2/17/2008 2:51:59 PM

you tend to take few cases and then generalize. You know, so many things get mixed with love after marriage and this doesn't mean a bad thing. We always talk about love and don't mention all the important things that should make a full package for a good marriage. Marriage is a tough word, but only you can make it easy. Fairy tales don't exist, it's real life we're living.. there is nothing like having it all rosy and wonderful, this is life and we are humans. So just like anything else, you should accept marriage with its good and bad!

#14
Deemco
Said
On: 2/17/2008 4:29:20 PM

I believe that before anyone decides to get married he/she should know what they're getting theirselves into. A lot of people have the wrong idea about marriage and expect it to be just like a fairytale. I blame disney for this! No, I'm just kidding. But seriously, marriage is not a piece of cake, there's commitment, sacrifice, compromise, and numerous responsibilities. No one is perfect and it's important to know that because then u'll learn to accept people's faults and learn to deal with them or work around them.
It's impossible to get along and agree on everything, that's why u have to give and take. Not everything is going to be the way you want it to be or the way u're used to it being. Life is gonna change, especially since u'll be sharing ur life with someone else. Mature, rational people can make it work as long as there's consideration and understanding.

#15
KJ
Said
On: 2/17/2008 4:51:42 PM

Qu, I also agree with Princess and Hani. You need to live with a person to know them well.

The types of love are different yes. Pre-marriage it is about showing the best to get the girl/guy. A little after marriage the love is tied physically, and after that period it slowly turns into companionship, based on things you mentioned like understanding, compromise, etc.

But since I am not married, I am not a credible source either. I guess I would have to take the plunge and come back here to tell you all about it :)

#16
abo_arab
Said
On: 2/17/2008 8:36:52 PM

IT DOES NOT, SAD FACE TO THE POWER TWO= :-( )-:

#17
Qwaider
Said
On: 2/17/2008 8:57:32 PM

ProudPali
I'm not sure why you think I am disagreeing with you. I am not, I'm just saying that's it's not a guarantee.

Adosh
You're right. It's a solution out of it.

Hani
Precisely! Since there are examples of these running around us. What does that mean? It means, simply that there are no guarantees. One "might" lead to the other. But there are no guarantees.
:( I don't want someone with a cemetery in their closet ;) If you know what I mean!

Simply Me
:( You're making me scared even more now!
I'm actually not generalizing, I'm adding doubt. Which is by it's definition, not a generalization
You're absolutely right, fairy tales .. don't exist

Deemco
I completely agree with you Deemco. But as you see, there are "conditions" to making it work, like the ones you mentioned Consideration, understanding, tolerance, respect ... etc. There are some that would make life unbearable to the point that things will not continue after that

KJ
I'm not saying you don't! I'm saying it's not a guarantee that you will know them well.
I'll be waiting to hear back from you in 5 years. I expect to see a comment here. Or I will tell your wife :)

AboArab ..
:( Don't scare me!

#18
SimSim
Said
On: 2/17/2008 9:50:47 PM

I always prayed to love the person I am going to merry before we get married and I was ready to wait for ever ....

gladly I can say we found each other ... he changed all my mind about marriage and how our life will be full of fun and I can go after marriage either in my education or carrier (not just 6abee5 w wlaad) ... after that point marriage will be great and something u r looking for not just some kind of social duty ...

#19
Maioush
Said
On: 2/17/2008 10:56:33 PM

How do you define love to start with? I don't know Q, but love is the last word I can think of when it comes to this matter, now I’m not saying that it doesn't exist, it does tab3an, but when you are committing with someone for the rest of your life, love is not the right word to describe it, you know why? for a very simple reason, if someone ONLY loves and you did something to hurt that person, she will HATE you, as simple as that, that's why I believe that RESPECT is the thing you have to look for, if she respects you, she will love you, and if you argue, she will never do anything stupid, sade2ni, love come and go, but when you wanna start a family, you don't wanna start based on LOVE ONLY! I’m not saying that you it doesn’t really matter if you don't love each other, you have to, but as for me the first thing i have to feel is "el sakeeneh", how do i saw that.. Hmmm, eza allah 7at el sakeeneh b albak tejah 7ada 5alas :)
That’s why rabna didn't say (ma7abbah o ra7mah" he said "mawaddah o ra7mah"

#20
tinkerbella
Said
On: 2/18/2008 6:33:14 AM

Love makes you blind to the worst in a person. I really don't believe love should be the basis for building a marriage (and yes, this is a hopeless romantic speaking)
I think ppl shud be more practical.. simply put, you put all your cards on the table. This is what I want out of my life, this is what you want. Can we find enough overlap to be happy? Do the outerlying areas...the ones that dont overlap... do they work for both of us? What do you expect from me? What do I expect from you? Do out personalities work together enough that we can live with each other

THAT is what the basis should be...if that works, go from there. Love follows (hopefully!) but it doesnt just come. Its hard work and its effort.

But yea, I agree with the commenters. Respect is essential

#21
Qwaider
Said
On: 2/18/2008 7:37:26 AM

Simsim
I would love that to be true for everyone and I would also love to see that to be the normal case. People falling in love and later get married and continue to love each other. But that might be harder done than said

Maioush
The definition of love is beside the point here. There are many aspects that make or break love. Respect is one, but not all of them.
And yes, I agree with you, this Mawaddah part is a fascinating aspect frankly

Tinkerbella
I completely agree with you. Love is not enough, and although it might be a supporting factor, it's not everything. You said it well
I like the clear: "Check list" approach and frankly I think it's best. It helps two people communicate their desires and aspirations and make them want to focus on what is it exactly that will make them happy with the other person.
As I said before, respect is just as important as many other things. Like understanding, tolerance, compromise they are all ways to help a marriage reach a level of love that people recognize as love