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« نداء الى كل نساء العربPreviewing: Untraceable (2008) »

Forced marriages

  • By: Qwaider

  • On:Tuesday, January 22, 2008 10:39:44 PM
  • In:Thoughts
  • Viewed: (4501) times

    • Currently 4.6/5 Stars.
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    Rated 4.6/5 stars (68 votes cast)

    One of the interesting things about the Arab culture is the continuous amount of nagging pressure that is directed at single men and women to force them to get married. That pressure doesn't discriminate. YOU ARE TO BE MARRIED, repeat that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year

    Shortly after puberty, males and females of the Arab world are continuously pressured to get married. I know because I've been suffering from that for the majority of my life.

    But some think that people actually get forced to get into these marriage agreements with total strangers. Something which I personally think is not true, however, there's a HUGE amount of pressure applied to both males and females

    But do parents resort to forcing their sons and daughters to get married?

    Force is a big word. There is no force here. Parents do EVERYTHING they can to convince their sons and daughters to get married, because at the end of the day, they will be asked and their agreement is one of the required conditions for the marriage.

    Here's what happened personally to me...

    I was pressured so much that I ended up accepting my families wishes (before someone gets a heart-attack) and ended up getting engaged to someone I hardly knew, hardly had anything in common and above all, didn't really like the person. We were dissimilar, we hardly communicated. To sum it up, we were a disaster waiting to happen!

    Under pressure, I had to try my best to make it work, but at the end I was about to explode, and called the whole thing off. It ended up costing me so dearly as even with a simple engagement the amount of resources I had to pour in it was HUGE. The guy gets only half of what he promised. So half moqaddam (dowry) half mo2akhar (late dowry) plus I won't be taking any gifts or whatever from the thing. So it was a good chunk of change down the drain.

    The moral of the story is that surrendering to this pressure is really not the answer (male or female), the results could be catastrophic. And trust me, no body gets a stroke from their children not accepting to marry but many DO get stroke when their sons and daughters get divorced

    I know that the Arab world has issues with the way they force people to get married, but I also see some good into it. For example, men and women are not in complete ownership over this decision. It's family based, the whole family come into the aid of their son or daughter to make it happen. Which is a fantastic thing instead of having the whole weight of everything dumped on the head of the bride and the groom.

    Many exaggerate that the system is somehow unfair to women. Although, I personally and strongly believe that it's in fact in favor of women. There isn't a single moment in the woman's life that she feels more appreciated than the packs of grooms flock to her house just to have the honor of meeting her. She has the option to kick them out, or to accept.

    But that's not all. IF she already has someone in mind, like a boyfriend, his next step would be to propose to her family. Similar to "meeting the father" on the night of the prom in the west. With it's own set of differences of course.

    Now, I used to think that process of meeting brides to be so unjust, but if a lady can't find a groom on her own through her social interactions. Then why not have the family allow people to come and see her? How is this different than going on a blind date? Other than a blind date isn't supervised and the end result is never marriage, but "we'll see"

    It's in the best interest of the families to actually listen to their sons and daughters before trying to pressure them into a marriage that they will not be happy with. For it's really easier to deal with a non-married son or daughter, than have them return in few months time, broken and divorced

     

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    • #1
    • Anisa
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/23/2008 6:07:44 AM
    100 % agree except the part where you wrote, "if she already has someone in mind, like a boyfriend..."  maybe I am outdated or naive, but "boyfriend"?  I hope you mean male acquaintance.  
    • #2
    • KJ
    • Windows Firefox Browser
    • Said
    • On: 1/23/2008 8:30:26 AM
    I usually answer my parents by: "Mu Allah katebli naseebi? Eza hal benet naseebi lakan leish ana rafed?!"

    LoL
    you think you are pressured.. huh!! what would us girls do man with all that going on not only from the family! la2 everyone around us..
    Anisa
    I mean anything from acquaintances all the way to someone she's been living with. It's becoming more open these days

    KJ, that's pretty funny :)

    Chika
    Most girls were able to resist what I wasn't able to resist. I don't really blame my folks, but at the same time. That was the main reason for this.
    it is not just the parents (thank God not mine) but the relatives and the people you hardly know...

    I do agree with you, and find it strange to understand FORCED into marriage, i guess they have the final ok but sometimes they are scared of what would happen if they say No specially females.
    "There isn't a single moment in the woman's life that she feels more appreciated than the packs of grooms flock to her house just to have the honor of meeting her"
    Appreciated??!!!! we feel like shwal babata for sale.. the mother comes first to check if we are suitable enough for her son and then depending on his "mother's opinion" he comes with her the next visit!! if she did not like us he wont come.. what the hell??!!
    If you think it's hard for you, just think of the dude!
    Sitting there, with his white socks that have little pretty colored  birdies on them... While the lady devours him from head to toe :)
    I went through that way too many times
    • #8
    • spirit
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/23/2008 12:04:56 PM
    i`m comlpeletely with princess this wat happen now plus the mother take her amazing son ( child) for maybe 10 or 20 girls to compare between them and choose lameen albo rta7 at the end for no one albo rta7 then his mother will visit another and wat it makes worse they thought that they are the superman and they don`t know that u agree to meet them just to make ur family happy o ma yezeno foo2 rasek :)
    I really hope all the pressure and arranged marriages business will stop in our Arabic society one day!

    It can really destroy the souls of both males and females....marriage is not a must i think..it's not like i reached the suitable age so i should get married (who decided what's the suitable age for marriage anyways?)...i think one should get married only, and i say ONLY when s/he think they met the right person for them...

    yes marriage and settlement is a need like many other needs in ones' life...but what distingush us humans from animales is that we have emotional and intellectual needs in our partners too...when all those needs are met, then we can get married....
    lol@ pretty white socks with colored birdies!

    We have this scene (parents trying to ram a bride down their son's throat) every time my brother is visiting from the US, luckily it never got to the engagement part. I can so see someone you Marry after only knowing them for 2 weeks making you miserable !
    So you have been subject to pressure qwaider? I guess then that you know exactly how Haya feels? It is even worse for women as the pressure on them are stronger, they cant do the pick, and have shorter time frame.

    The problem with arranged marriage is that it is not just the groom that comes to propose but all his family where his mother and sister are equally to check how good the bride is. It is kind of humilating because women feel themselves as an item for sell where such an events are more of a trade rather than an event to build a good family.
    Fadi,
    There's a huge difference between what we have and Arranged marriages. Many people mix the two
    Arranged marriages happen only in places like India

    What makes you think it's any easier for the man to go through all that pressure? The same amount of people faking heart attacks and calling for the wrath of god to descend on top of your head. It's even has a greater level of pain directed towards the male sons.

    Most men, can't even resist. While the ladies of this age are becoming more and more defiant! Go figure

    But at least men don't complain about it left right and center! They become alcoholic and go get a second wife :)
    • #13
    • Eman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/25/2009 4:31:50 AM
    • SpamScore=[0.48]
    Qwaider,
    You are so wrong on this issue when you say that nobody is actually being forced to marry. What you fail to realize is that the entire Yemeni society....ok not the entire society, but the majority, still believes in arranged marriages. By "arranged marriages", I mean without the females consent or her approval, I don’t mean just back in the Middle East, but here in the States. Isn't that sad?  
    I know that most Arabs living in the US have chosen a more "Americanized" theme in their way of life, but there are still those of us, who are ignorant and choose to stick with our barbaric and oppresive tactics………LOL  :)
    You can call us the cave people of the Arab world…………hehehe

    On the topic of dating and pre-marital relationships,I am all for liberation and freedom, but sometimes too much destroys the very sense of our Arab heritage, not to mention our religion.
    Salam everyone :)
    • #14
    • Qwaider
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/25/2009 5:15:39 AM
    • SpamScore=[-47.95]
    You know, many people confuse "Arranged marriage" with traditional Arabic marriage. "Arranged marriages" are more of what Indians do. Both are a relic in of the past in my book
    Now, the second thing is that Yemeni society is really not representative of the rest of the Arab world. Many societies have become more liberal, open and accepting to the ideas of bride and groom, meeting and getting to know each other
    In fact, most would allow the future couple to meet, talk, go over things, go out and pretty much date under the supervision (and blessings) of both families. That's hardly Arranged marriage don't you think?
    • #15
    • Eman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/25/2009 5:35:58 AM
    • SpamScore=[-0.04]
    Qwaider, I apologize if I have confused you with my comment, but please pay attention.
    I never said that the Yemeni society represents the rest of the Arab world, nor did I say that "arranged marriages" occur in every Arab country.
    I never mentioned any other Arab country, so no need to get offensive. When I mentioned arranged marriages, I was being sarcastic towards my own people. I despise that they still go about marrying their daughters that way, but that doesn’t change the fact that it still happens.
    Dont get so defensive when it comes to the Arab culture, you cant deny that Arabs have a lot of negative issues they need to resolve.
    So, is this the part of the Arab American that you cant stand?
    What happened to being open-minded?
    • #16
    • Qwaider
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/25/2009 5:41:07 AM
    • SpamScore=[-47.99]
    How did I offend you with what I said? If I have, I sincerely apologize AND please be reassured that I didn't mean it to be offensive at all.
    I don't feel defensive, I just tried to explain certain areas on this argument nothing more. Offending is not part of what I was trying to say
    • #17
    • Eman
    • Windows Internet Explorer
    • Said
    • On: 1/25/2009 5:52:23 AM
    • SpamScore=[-0.06]
    No offense taken :)

    Don’t forget, I have a senior citizens pass, so please don’t get my all riled up........cough..cough.  I’m getting too old for all this excitement.
    You too can have your Memories Documented

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